From Darkness to Light
by motherafrica
Summary: My name is Sayu Yagami and once I died. My dreams dissolved from illusion. With my father gone and when the veil lifted and evil came to light two years ago, life was unlivable for my mother and I, until I was caught under the spell of love. It reignited my spirit and helped me light up lives damaged by the Kira massacre on a massive scale.
1. Chapter 1: When we were dead

_Dr A Murakami__: (Click, Tape Recording. Patient: Yagami Sayu: Day 1...) Tell me what it was like experiencing the media when the world found out about your brother._

_Sayu Yagami__: (Long pause, heaves a sigh, fiancé locks his fingers in hers as she bites bottom lip.)_

_Erm, well my mom and I had only found out a day before...about him. Literally the day after, the story broke everywhere. Local and international news, that was on January 30th 2013. Two years ago now. I was in my first year of university. _

_I remember the flashing lights. Media from all over the world camped outside our house for months, especially as police walked in and out the house gathering evidence and sealing off his room. That room. Mom and I were afraid of leaving the house, especially once the hatred and vandalism started. _

_The Police Force tried to shield us as much as possible with the protection unit, when we started receiving thousands of death threats, protesters marching outside our house daily, graffiti writing of abusive words on our wall, people throwing rocks, firecrackers and gas canisters at the house breaking the windows, damaging the lawn, hate mail both in letter and online abuse, I had to delete all my social media accounts and my email address. All this came from families of Kira's victims to vicious gang members who'd lost their allies and bosses._

_Then thousands of people and many organisations tried to sue my mom and I for emotional damage, loss of incomes from people killed by Kira, because they actually believed that mom and I knew what was going on the whole time but chose to keep quiet about it to protect our 'beloved brother and son'. Luckily our public lawyer defended us and we didn't even ever have to appear in court. I didn't even have enough time to process what had happened so I was in denial for a long time afterwards. _

_It was a blur. _

**Chapter 1: When we were dead**

Experiencing the numbness of drowning in free glass bottle after free glass bottle after free glass bottle was a simple task. All it took was lying on a dirty white couch lining the graffiti walls, computer generated colourful lighting, loud vibrations of booming loud garage music pulsating through the makeshift underground basement in downtown Tokyo filled with strangers, who like me, were too afraid to die but not willing to live, as a place to call home. Going all night without feeling, being, remembering anything was the best part of this.

All I had was my crumbling blank face, frail body in a thin cotton dress and a small sheet covering me from the waist up. I just couldn't go back to the shelter for homeless youth anymore as the guilt of being there was paralysing, since I actually did have a home but refused to go back. I think I've exhausted enough public esteem for a lifetime. This shitty heavenly bliss was the best alternative.

After midnight passed, and the music stopped, the usual of me being slumped over the couch happened, head slouched over my loosely folded arms, struggling to breathe over my curtain of platinum blonde hair smothering my face, and this time, my bare left foot was outstretched and swimming in a pool of a doggie water bowl.

"Just look at that slut, playing the victim with those fake sad eyes." sneered a short round woman to someone else while glowering at me. Twenty five year old unemployed unattractive Haruna speaking with the cadence of Kyoto, despised me and she wanted the whole world of the Bass'mento Room to know.

She stomped over to me unable to stand my presence. I tensed up and stiffened, sinking further into the couch as I heard her fiery approach. She sank her sharp fake talons into my hair and shook me. I let out a yelp and tried to flick her off me. My stomach threatened to spill out as she forcefully pulled me up by my hair. My eyes screwed up in pain from my hair being pulled and brought about the most intense eye watering migraine.

"Why are you still here, like you don't have options?!" she shook me with bitterness oozing out her voice.

My wide frightened eyes glanced up at her. I told myself never to look directly into Haruna's dead eyes because I could see the haunting suffering of loss they had endured. It was more terrifying than anything she did to me.

She pushed me to the floor, I felt a sting of throbbing pain as hard knuckles made contact with my cheek, eye and jaw ans she pounded me into the dusty carpet. My body was too limp and my mind was past caring.

"Okay, we get it, you hate her. Just stop already. I don't have anything to clean up bloodstains." called someone I couldn't make out.

She let me go as I cowered against the old flooring, my mouth quivering against the purple bruise swelling up on eye.

"Well bitch, got anything to say?"

My quivering lips moved but nothing came out. She raised her eyebrows at me daring for my verbal response.

"Haruna-s s ssan I need the keys for the bathroom" I whispered.

She stared down at me with a sickened snarl, the pathetic pitiful mass lying down at her feet in disgust, and dropped the keys by my bare feet.

I got up carefully with support of the wall and arm rest of the dirty couch and headed to a badly lit passageway leading to the bathroom. I didn't know if I could do it this time, I had no strength, but I had to try. Several men followed me after noticing where I was going. I let out a small scream as I ran as fast as my weakened legs could carry me into the safety of the one small bathroom stall to take a piss and held the door lock while pressing my arm on the door to keep those perverted bastards out. I could hear them leering catcalls, wolf whistles, and practically breaking down the door to let them in.

It was surprising how easily tears stung my eyes as I lowered my head and covered my face with my hair, never letting go of holding the door closed. I was drunk, I wasn't supposed to feel much. My soft hearing picked up a sizzling sound.

I turned around and saw a firecracker emitting colourful sparks. Smoke soon filled up the tiny bathroom but I didn't know whether it was safe to go outside since the men were probably the culprits trying to smoke me out.

Smoke was filling my lungs as I choked and held my breath until I had no choice but to chance it. Luckily the men weren't there anymore so I used the advantage to get back inside. Haruna was waiting for me on the other side to empty a black bin bag over my head. Empty beer bottles, cans and used condoms splashed over my body as I closed my eyes, waiting for it to be over.

"We need to get rid of this trash before it becomes a dangerous threat" said Haruna referring to me.

I fell silent. Hearing that I was a threat to other people by someone like Haruna when _I _was the one who'd never done anything wrong was too unfair to ignore. My fire was ignited.

"But why am I the threat?_ I_ didn't _do_ anything wrong."

"Oh Sayu Yagami, it's about what you _are_. You and your mother left behind are a waste of government money, time and resources," she said quietly walking closer to my face while I felt the sting of her words. "The courts may believe the lies that you and mother told about not knowing anything about what your satanic brother was up to for all those years, but you can't fool the whole world." she said shaking her head.

Once again I felt a hot live wire inside me snap without my control. I found myself staring straight into Haruna's dead eyes and smacking the remaining black bags out of her thick hands I stood right in front of her with a daring snarl.

"Shut up. You know nothing about me!" I yelled pointing a dangerous finger at her.

Any composure she'd lost from me attacking her was replaced by sheer rage.

"You're not going to do anything to me; not even you're that stupid. You _know_ I will kill you or throw you in the lion's den with all those Anti-Kira groups. I'm the only one left in Japan, no the world, who's willing to take you on, because they're all too afraid of you. _Kira's sister_. Know where your place is, I still have the needles." she threatened softly in a dangerous tone, nostrils flaring. The look in her dark eyes was that of a woman with no self-respect who had nothing to lose.

"No, you know what. I'll tell you exactly what's wrong with you," she stepped towards me pushing me backwards, she was not backing down from her challenge, "You have no remorse for what happened. That little spawn-of-satan bastard brother of yours...you didn't stop him from murdering my boyfriend. Tell me, why was he killed for accidentally knocking down a pedestrian who'd been too arrogant to obey the blinking 'Don't Walk' signs on the sidewalk. What sense is that?" she spat snarling her lip up.

"No! Shut up, I don't know anything!" I yelled quickly blocking my ears; I didn't want to hear anything about it. My mind always stopped me from even thinking about it. But I couldn't stop myself this time. I'd failed to filter out harmful information again.

"_My boyfriend_! Arrested on suspicions of drunk driving and questioned at the police station where he gave his name. The police later said that they'd found no evidence of drunk driving so they were going to drop the charges. The punk ass pedestrian came of the hospital with nothing but stitches and a few broken bones that healed after some time. But my boyfriend..."

I shook my head at her frozen. Why couldn't I stop hearing what she was saying? I realised that I was, for the first time, hearing what I promised myself never to hear.

"…Deserved the judgement of _Kira_ for being the only one who did nothing wrong. My boyfriend. The only _person who made me feel wanted_, not even my parents could pretend. You stole my future." she broke down into a friend arm.

Everything I'd just heard would sink in and poison me if I didn't believe it. It wasn't real. None of it was. None of it! She just made it up because she hated me. "_Don't think about it, don't think about anything Sayu,_" I screamed at myself inside my head.

We were interrupted by someone speeding inside, huffing and puffing his chest. "Everyone! Take your shit and get out! There's a fire! It's coming from the bathroom!" he yelled from behind us.

In a snap, smoke was filling up the small enclosed room quickly. My eyes opened into slits and I could barely make out people's feet as they shuffled out. The smoke combined with my slurry couldn't carry on in light-headedness.

"You! Blondie, it was you who did this wasn't it! You were the in the bathroom!" she yelled at me wide eyed. "You're trying to kill us too, just like your Kira. We should just choke you and take your air to save everyone, you waste of air."

I'd lost my nerve. I couldn't breathe in the thick cloud of smoke and Haruna's hand had found themselves around my neck again.

My heavy body under attack was pulled out of Haruna's grasp by a burly man in a plain black tee. But I didn't want to leave; I had no other place but this, to go, to call my home. This toxic paradise. Why was it on fire?

Then the light show began. Yellow, orange, blue, everything blurred, swam and mixed in a kaleidoscope of colours, that's what my eyes showed me anyway, and in slow motion. Every stumble I took forward I felt my body slowly start to break down. Luckily I had that burly man to help me walk. I could only vaguely make out any noise around me.

"_Get them both out of here, and take this girl's stuff_."

"_Hey wait, isn't this also hers? Excuse me, miss but is this_-

My whole body tensed up when I felt someone tapping my shoulder. My head shot up as I turned around too quickly. My half-opened droopy eyes couldn't take in what I was seeing properly, it was all spinning around, but I could make out a man although I couldn't hear what he was saying. He was holding something out to me and waving it in my face. My swaying eyes and dreadful frown looked down.

I wasn't ready; my heart skipped a beat—it made my stomach knot.

A Black Notebook

I stumbled backwards and lost feeling in my legs. It felt like everything on my body was on fire. I had to get away before its curse somehow seeped into me too.

My first line of defence triggered in my mind. I felt the pocket knife I hid in my bra suddenly appear in my one hand. I swung the tiny blade at him in swooshed circles, trying to push him and his evil book away. Someone was still holding onto my other arm. They were yelling at me but I couldn't make out what they were saying. I tried to squirm out of the man's tight grasp and aim the sharp weapon at his arm.

"It's not mine! Not mine! I didn't kill anyone, it's not me-" I yelled as loud as I could.

"_-Wait you're going to take my eyes out. I just need to know whether this is yours. It's got a name on it_. _Are you Yagami-?_

"-Noooo! let go of me, Please I'm not him, I'M NOT-

I don't remember anything from there; I must've blacked out...

* * *

_There was a tornado. It blurred flashing lightbulbs of white, rotating noisy lights of blue and red...the familiar faces dressed in uniform. Their darkened faces. They were all talking, yelling. Stomach tightening. Then the following, questioning… brown eyes shut and blinked open...until the man with the deep brown eyes and short brown haircut stared blankly inches from face; heart tightening as his eyes turned a dastardly red which lit up the darkness in a fiery luminance..._

Beep! Beep! Beep!

My bloodshot eyes popped open. I'd opened them too quickly so the dry corners stung when moisture developed as my eyes swiftly darted from left to right not seeing anything. The red eyes I had just vividly seen focused blurrily into the red laser beaming across the white room from a heart monitor. A desperate gasp of breath, gasp of breath from a breathing mask...I let a quiet breathy moan escape from my dry lips. The second I did, I'd wished I hadn't; my throat felt dry and burnt like ash, it was painful.

My heart was beating so fast that my breathing struggled to keep up. But my head was worse. It felt like burning hot hands was continuously squeezing my head from every angle. Everything on my body was on fire. I could feel my aching stiff limbs beginning to tremble against the straps that constrained my tightly bound legs.

I sat up slowly and stiffly in the pain of my head, staring hopelessly at this White room in misery which further deepened my grimace. Blinding white light. Red lasers. A while ago I would've mistaken it all for the International Police with Japanese police, and all their guns and all their questions. So many questions.

The humming buzzing of machinery blinking, clinking, tinkering, lazering and busy at work was now the only audible sound in the quietness. That and the loud ticking of the wall clock which I had the habit of staring at every forty seconds, I had no idea why. I lowered my head to hide my face with my hair and a shiver rolled though me.

Seeing those eyes again. Again. It hurt. Those unfamiliar red eyes with a kind of vociferous bloodlust felt like my mind was being attacked, invaded, and harmed. Yet those eyes were also very familiar at the same time because, well, they were the same as mine. Big, brown and innocent.

At least, my mind had a way of being a filtering system. Everytime I got scared or confused, it shuts down and stops. My ears fall silent like there's a hollow wind blowing through them and noise is blocked out. No longer can I feel my body. No longer can I have thought processes and make sound judgements. No longer do I have control. Everything that came in went out without having to be processed.

But I always failed with those eyes. Those unfamiliarly familiar red-brown eyes that continuously haunted my dreams. There was no way to filter them out my mind and it would always lead to thinking too much about what I didn't want to think about.

I hated hospitals. It was always too painfully quiet. I hated the quiet. The dead were quiet. The dying were waiting in hospitals to be dead. The same way in which everybody was dead. Everybody was dead.

The moisture tucked underneath my eyelids promised to let loose the floodgates. But just like always when I wanted to cry, I stopped myself. I slumped my head down in defeat and stared at the wall clock once more with a knot in my dry throat.

Too quiet...I needed the semblance of the drunken hazy lighted 'Bass'mento room.

Desperation to escape this quiet jail consumed me; I had to get out of here before my mind started to wonder. I removed my breathing mask. I scratched at the ropes that bound me, and rolled to the side. A terrible pain shot through my body as I hit the cold floor. Everything hurt these days. My body was heavy on the cold floor, yet it still felt like I was somehow floating, unable to feel the heaviness of gravity. But at least I knew that I wasn't dead, no if I were dead, it would be by my own doing, my own choice. The dead didn't feel pain.

Click, click. Beep.

I froze hunched on the floor head down with my hair falling over my body. The door opened with a squeak and a pull of the handle. I looked through the gap in my curtain of unkempt hair.

A woman in a long white lab coat holding sheets of paper clipped together, walked in and gave a huge sigh, taking off her glasses in frustration.

"Ms Yagami? Again on the floor. You're like a two year old trying to escape from his cot. It's always the same with you. This is why I always have to strap you in." vented Dr Yokoyama. I curled my lips as I curled back onto my hospital bed.

The doctor stalked towards her station, heels angrily stomping on the tiled floor. "You don't have to try escaping again, I'm releasing you, most of the smoke has filtered out of your lungs, now you just have to go nurse your hangover. And I see that you've still refused to changed your residential address to 'homeless' from the last time you were here." she said.

I looked directly at Dr Yokoyama because, right on cue, she was signing my release papers while innocently taking a quick swig of water in her clear glass water bottle. It was the same routine everytime I saw her. Unbeknownst to her, we probably had the same problem. Except that it wasn't water, it was really sake poured in a clear water bottle disguised as water to hide her drinking problem.

Over the two years it became easier to tell how affected people in our society hid the signs that they were barely coping everyday life. I t was like a slow game of hangman. Try finding as many wrong signs as possible. Enough for the man to hang himself. It wasn't just us at the bottom.

"Oh, and someone's here to see you. She said that she knows you from the university you both attend?"

"If it isn't little dolleyes" came my way and I turned to my side.

The good looking foreign girl, studying in Tokyo, walked up to me shaking her head and crossing her arms, giving a pout of her lips, she was the only one who dared to come close to me.

I took a breath of relief when I saw it was her. After I'd been released and changed into my jeans and dark shirt with my black hoodie, Meghan Walker and I walked to the lobby, noticing people walking by and stealing quick glances at me. It felt like the more I tried to hide, the more I stood out. That's when I realised something.

I didn't know where to. I had nowhere to go. The 'Bass'mento Room ravaged by fire, all choices were finally diminished.

"You look like a train wreck and a disaster had a baby" she said in her broken Japanese. I threw myself into a chair in the waiting room and Meghan into the other next to me.

"How did you know where to find me?" I said slowly digging my hands in my pocket and lowering my head so no one saw my face.

She kept quiet for a second and spoke softly. "People on social media were talking about a fire in some crack house called 'The Bass'mento Room' downtown.

"I can't remember much of what happened. I just remember fire and someone, trying to give me...something unspeakable. I panicked." I cried breathing hard.

I noticed Meghan resist the urge to shake her head at my behaviour, like I was mad or something. She picked up a thick 'Criminal Law and the Constitution: Fifth Edition' textbook to show to me.

"You left behind your textbook from your bag and Yusuke, the guy who tried to help you, wanted to give it back to you when you started swinging a knife around. That's what he told me. You read the situation wrong. He had to knock you out and call emergency services. Good thing you were already blacked out, or they would've placed you under temporary restraint."

Meghan breathed a long sigh, "Please, don't tell me you're going back to that place where that woman was beating you. She needs to have her head found in some drain. You should go back to your real home-

"It's too quiet. I'll be alone for long hours because my mom got a job. Not that it makes a difference; mom doesn't speak much anymore since two years ago. At least Haruna kept me busy." I whispered despondently.

"Is that _really_ the reason? It's pathetic. You're pathetic. You can't stay with me since I live on campus, but you also can't keep going back to that shelter for homeless youth. That place is meant for youths who really have no other alternatives because their homes aren't safe places. Besides your mom's probably worried about you. It's been five weeks now since you left. And you know she can't call the cops since you resent the police and it would attract too much media attention after the storm of two years ago."

Meghan Walker's incessant judgements were making my teeth grind. I didn't know what to do, but it didn't matter because nothing would change. Nowhere was any better or worse than anywhere else. There was too much on my mind. I needed a distraction.

"I'm going back to varsity tomorrow." I said staring at the floor with my permanent frown. I wanted nothing less than to go back to varsity as my biggest tormenters were there far worse than Haruna, exacerbating my misery further. I just needed a long distraction to keep my mind preoccupied.

"Seriously, between your condition and those bullies, I still think that you should take at least another week off before going back to school Sayu."

"I said I'm fine. Stop treating me like a mental case." I snapped.

We both fell silent. I buried my head in my hands and curtain of hair leaning forward in the chair. Hopelessness was overtaking me.

Meghan gently placed her hand on mine.

"You silly, you are a mental case but don't worry, Sayu. What happened to you has never happened to anyone else before. I believe that you're not crazy. But that doesn't mean that you're not fragile. Your mind is still in a deep state of psychosis."

I kept staring hard at the ground. "Let's just drive around so I can think what to do next." I said to her as we walked to the receptionist to hand in my release papers. When I got to the door and did my usual stop contemplate and pause before Meghan opened the door for me.

* * *

"Did you know that I attended all your classes? Yeah I got your timetable and attended all your classes for you. I wrote down so many notes for you not knowing what the fuck was going on. But you're a whole month behind dolleyes, which means you probably won't be able to write finals." said Meghan when we were in her car, rented with her monthly allowance from her scholarship.

"What about you? Are you going to skip them and write when I do?"

"Fuck no! I can't wait for you. After finals I'm going back home. Permanently," she said affirmatively before a familiar bland silence fell on us. Meghan always squinted her eyes when driving…that is when I knew what was coming. We both always knew.

"Remember when we actually had solidarity that we'd help each other out?" I asked.

"Yeah, well remember when people still loved you? Yeah didn't think so, times have changed Dolleyes." she said.

I don't even know why I bothered; Meghan's attitude was always at its most toxic after she thought about that night. But I knew that she was really talking about herself, how she felt after that night, but she didn't realise.

"Unlucky my parents are poor and I have no choice but to finish my fully paid scholarship or I'd have dropped out, packed my bags and left that night when it happened and worked at my parents' pub."

I looked over to Meghan just as she pulled over. She stopped the car and looked outside the rain weary window. Just like Dr Yokoyama and her disguised alcohol, this was a way for Meghan to cope and carry on.

After catching her breath, she continued driving.

The corners of her mouth struggled not to tremble and give into despair when she tried to look satisfactorily in the mirror at her pixie cut hair, grateful that it wasn't the same defiled hair that had been savagely gripped and ripped. It was clean fresh, new hair, one that hadn't been touched.

It scared me whenever she fell silent; I didn't want her to dwell on what happened and why she reminded herself of why she was friends with me in the first place. I turned my head to look out the window.

"Wait, stop!" I interrupted. I forgot that we were still in Tokyo, the city where I used to live. We'd almost passed the street sign that had the name of my old street name.

"What, what is it?" asked Meghan slightly alarmed.

"Nothing, just stop. I need to go outside. Please."

The rain began to shower as I walked outside and down the street. It was like being a ghost watching myself from the outside and not being allowed to engage fully. It was so odd to me that watching the house I'd grown up in with my _whole_ family didn't bring up any memories of all of us together.

The new white paint was still somewhat fresh from painting over the obscene words of abuse and nasty graffiti that had been sprayed and drawn on the wall when mom and I still lived here. Also the windows were been replaced from when they'd been broken by vandalism created by throwing firecrackers into the yard, stones, I still remember what someone had sprayed on the wall. It wasn't nearly half as terrible as social media though…

"_I hope you die of cancer…we're gonna drag you down the alley and dismember you like you deserve_…"

I could never forget just how the anti-Kira groups wanted to make sure mom and I suffered every day for what we didn't do after the world found out. Sometimes when I felt like being brave, I'd peak an eye outside my curtain at them all. What devastated me was not the weapons they carried but the emotions, the heavy embittered emotions that far outweighed any destructive tools in heaviness.

I'm glad we'd left a few months later, undercover with the Police Protection Unit. But just as I had yesterday and the day before that and the week, month and year before, I stepped up towards the door and pressed the doorbell but left swiftly before anyone could answer it, back to Meghan's car.

"Are you sure that you're not crazy? Playing ding-dong ditch at your old house"

I didn't answer her but, I just always thought that maybe I would one day want to see the house again and talk to whoever's living there.

"Just go" I whispered.

Once we began driving away, I received a call on my phone. Usually I would just ignore it but this time it was from someone I hadn't talked to in a while and I couldn't slay my curiosity. Why would my aunt be calling me directly on my phone?

"Sayu, is this you?" asked my aunt when I answered the phone.

"Yes, what do you want-?

"I know that you've been gone for weeks now but I need you to come home now. Please." there was something in her voice that compelled me.

"It's your mother-she's tried to kill herself"

The words reverberated inside my buzzing mind. I tried to do something but shock and fear debilitated me. I dropped the phone on my lap and stared out the window mouth agape.

"Sayu, what's wrong, Sayu?" cried Meghan looking at my face.

"I need to go to the subway and get home." Was all I could whisper.

* * *

The train ride back home was an agonising fifty minute trip, where I could do nothing more than tremble, clutch my hanging blonde hair, keep my head down, amid my morbid fear of being in public. I felt sick having to wait so long...

When I got off the train, I ran as fast as I could in the rain up the street until I saw the apartment building, tucked neatly in the corner of a hillside suburb in Yokohama that mom and I had moved into when it was too dangerous for our safety to stay in Tokyo.

"Mom! MOM! Where are you?" I screamed over the hurt of my throat when I burst inside.

I couldn't quieten my mind. It was me. I did this. I drove her to want to end her life. I was too frantic to think of what to do. Instead my whizzing head which still ached, dashed around the living room until I saw an elegant woman dressed in a powder blue skirt and matching blazer. Aunt Miyako stood in the middle of the room, arms crossed like a strict teacher and watched me freak out for a whole minute.

"You're such a mess! And honestly, this is what I have to do to get you to come back home?" she breathed disbelieving after observing me frantically bang down all three doors of the house and search achingly for my mother.

"Where's my mom? Is she okay? Oh God it's all my fault, I've lost everything"

"Your mother's fine. I sent her to get some groceries for tonight's dinner."

I stopped at that. It took me a second to understand what she'd said. "But then how did she-

"She didn't try killing herself; I just used that as a pretext to get you to come back home."

I stared at her, unbelieving her spite, cruel joke, in her wanting to make me suffer evermore. I hit my aching head on the wall and slid to the floor covering my face in my hands. I couldn't think. I just couldn't think of anything. I was just too angry. I was too angry to speak or retaliate. Tears streamed in my face. I just couldn't...I didn't have the energy, motivation to retaliate. My family's cruel problem with lying was punishing me to no end.

"What else was I supposed to do when I got here and found out that you haven't been home for weeks? And who knows, maybe your mother would've killed herself in the long run? But you wouldn't be here to carry out her body. Do you think your mother deserves that? After everything we've been through as a family-

"Why are you even here?" I sighed frustrated, pounding my fists on the wall.

"I was planning to come and see how the two of you were coping, I believe that you have a condition that's troubling, Sayu. Don't think I didn't notice your bruised face and dyed hair."

Knowing that my mother wasn't in danger, it would've been too easy just to jump up again and take off...My thoughts were interrupted by the front door opening and I heard the shuffling of plastic bags. Bags full of food that was still meant for a family of four.

"_Oh my Go-Sayu, you're back and you're hurt! -_

My tired mother of very few words, Sachiko,dropped her packages and tried to run up to be on the floor but I turned away.

"No! Stay away from me, both of you!" I crawled away from her.

I didn't have to look at her to know she was in anguish; I knew she just wanted to hold me after I'd abandoned her.

"So, would you care to explain where you've been Sayu? Huh? For all these weeks?" demanded Aunt Miyako.

I remained silent.

"Excuse me Sayu, I'm talking you! Sachiko, you're her mother, for goodness sake, say something to her before anymore disrepute is brought into this family!"

My weak mother gave a sigh of pain. She didn't know what to say.

"Unbelievable, no wonder things have been allowed to escalate as they have in this family. My brother was far too lenient with all of you. Souichiro would have never stood for this insolence."

I felt my teeth clench at hearing that name _so sacred_ to me being said so casually to belittle me. The usual quietness overcame me as I tried to block out any thoughts that would cause me pain. Yet still, I didn't even feel my head slumping down, didn't feel the tears that stung my eyes. I was so unprepared for hearing that name aloud.

"Miyako-san, I was staying with a friend of mine. The one from Igirisu (England) okay. Now what do you want from us?" I sighed feeling dejected yet taking my turn to lie. This seemed to throw her off slightly, hearing my tired pleading tone. She took a breath and placed her hands on her hips.

"How do you know you can trust that gaijin girl, you don't exactly have the right frame of mind. You're still a sickly fragile child. I just mean, how do we know that the gaijin girl is not trying to get you in trouble with anti-Kira groups?"

"She's the only friend I have left in the world, so I have no choice. Also there's a reason why she stuck by me. She thinks she owes me for helping her, because Kira helped her."

Aunt Miyako looked like she wanted to say something but I spoke before she could give me another talking down.

"There was a serial rapist here in Tokyo years ago who, back then, had been acquitted of his crimes due to a lack of evidence," I said to which aunt Miyako covered her mouth in shock, grateful that she lived all the way in Kobe, south central Japan, "After his acquittal, he'd started working in a coffee shop by the train station, the perfect place to spy on women who travel alone and find his next target..."

"What does that have to do with anything?" she asked wide eyed.

I swallowed hard before shifting my eyes to the corner wall. "Meghan had been one of his victims. She was the naïve gaijin girl when he'd pretended to be a concerned local who wanted to help her find some touristy place she'd been looking for during summer break.

"My God," she breathed holding her skeletal arm tightly to her small bosom, "What has Tokyo become?" she said as I noticed her shock at the dangerous big bad city instead of my friend's survival.

The room went dead silent. My mother wanted to leave the room, but not having seen me in so long is what kept here there. Any mention of what had happened years ago during the Kira massacre and she would abandon post and leave the room.

"That rapist was actually suspected as being one of the earliest people killed by Kira for his crimes right when the undercover FBI in America had been dispatched to Japan just like dad had said. So naturally Meghan is a closet Kira supporter but won't admit it to me."

"And you're one too? You think that constitutes as justice?" she asked me daringly. I turned away from her wanting so badly to flip my middle finger at her. Truth of the matter was that I never allowed myself to think about things like that. I just filter it out.

"Sayu, it's been two years since Souichiro died and we found out about Li-

"Miyako-san, s_top it please -_

I choked shaking my head in protest with my voice breaking. I didn't realise how easy it was to tear up. I was so emotionally drained that I couldn't fight with her any longer.

"-Don't you think it's time we moved on? When are we going to stop running away, no, blocking out the truth? Don't you think it's time we talked about all of it and what it means for all of us?" she said not backing down.

By the time she'd finished talking, I was already making my escape to my bedroom and away from her, away from whatever truth she wanted to confront me with, before my mother came and embraced me. I didn't look back at her or embrace her at all. I just felt so cold, and embittered when I wasn't the one who had the right to feel that way. I just turned away when she was done. She was deeply hurting, ever more so than I knew.

After taking a shower, I looked into the mirror of my fragmented reflection, and brushed my below-shoulder length platinum blonde hair, falling in my face and narrowly missing the joint sticking out my mouth that I sucked on bitterly and deeply inhaling the bitterness of burnt grasses. I stared at myself in mild shock for a moment. I looked like a broken doll wondering if life would ever get better or worse.


	2. Chapter 2: We need new names

_Dr A Murakami: (Click, Tape Recording. Patient: Yagami Sayu. Day 5) How did you and your mother find out about Light Yagami two years ago now._

_Sayu Yagami (Looks out window for very long pause): It had been just over a week since we'd lost dad. Erm (heaves a long sigh to prevent tears), Light hadn't been returning calls, or coming over to visit anymore and he never gave excuses why. At the time, I thought distancing himself from us was a way for him to deal with the grief, because I knew he'd blame himself for our father's death. One thing I've always known about Light is that he doesn't accept losing or failure. _

_I was...I'd come back home from varsity and mom was there too. There was a knock on the door. It was the acting Japanese police chief, Kira investigation team along with about a few other people working under the police as investigators, from America. The acting chief came in with his deputy and sat us down on the couch...They told me...th-they told us, that...that his body was found on a steel staircase in some industrial area (long silence). I remember exactly what he'd said. "Members of the Japanese Police Force and international investigators were present when your son and brother, Light Yagami confessed to being mass murderer Kira before a struggle ensued which ultimately led to his death yesterday..." (Voice breaks; fiancé tightly grips hands for support, fiance seems shaken too)._

_I was numb. I didn't believe it. In my head, it wasn't possible for my dad then my brother to be taken away in another weeks' time. I had no idea that I could die so easily, that the world could end so quickly. How is it that everything could be perfectly normal then disappear in the space of two weeks? There's only so much a human can take. Falling. It felt like I was falling or being kicked when already down. I felt my mother go cold; she stayed like that for the next two years. Literally the next day the world found out from every news station, company and media house...and that was it." _

_Dr A Murakami: (Note: Patient doesn't mention how she felt about brother being Kira, only mentions how she felt about his death...)_

**Chapter 2: We Need New Names**

My head felt dizzy and numb, pulling my body up from the bed I hadn't slept in for weeks. What a fantastic dream it was, sleeping through the night comfortably, as undeserved as it was. I looked up at the ceiling and realised dispiritedly what I'd feared; the house was quiet, there were no distractions to keep me occupied and it was the beginning of a bland new day. Time to find another pitiful reason for carrying on.

A welcomed scene greeted me outside my room; my aunt with her bags packed and my mother bidding her farewell. Both looked at me with a calm resolve when aunt Miyako came up to me. "Look Sayu, I know we haven't always gotten along but can you promise me one thing," she pleaded softly, "Please be good to your mother and yourself."

Her face contorted into a doubt-filled frown when she got no response from my shifty eyes. She had nothing more than to believe that I'd take her plea. Without another word, she picked up her bags and left the house bound for her home in Kobe. When she left, mom turned back to me taking the chance of silence to re-establish talks again. I flinched when she smoothed the fake blonde strands tickling my face.

"No, don't touch me. You know that I don't want to be here. I'm only here because I've run out of choices."

She bowed her head watching me walk away. After dressing for varsity and taking anti-depressants, I hesitated before taking the leap to open the door as I was debilitated by my fear of being in public. Luckily my mother came from behind to open the door for me. I didn't thank her or look at her for that matter...and left.

* * *

The morning rush hour had begun as I made my way to the subway to take me to varsity in Tokyo. I swam through the current of women in the women's carriage of the train and continued my routine like clockwork. Stand near the door. Clutch my backpack, turn my head completely away from people towards the window so no one would see my face or realise that I was trying to conceal myself. I didn't know whether the blonde hair and dark sunglasses helped me hide or made me stand out.

Just the thought of someone recognising me with odd looks and lingering stares...it's something that would've made me jump out the window whether the train was moving or not. Taking public transport and just being in public by myself would've been impossible if not for the pills. It was like being surrounded by a sea of sharks wearing a shark costume so no one would notice you. I began shifting uncomfortably as standing for about fifty minutes was punishing after the dizzying pills, when a woman in front of me was reading the newspaper. I caught a glimpse of the headline and couldn't help but read on:

'_Crime up by 60%: _

_Japanese Police have released official statistics indicating crime rates have increased in the major Kanto metropolitan area of Japan during the third quarter of the fiscal year. These include significant increases in crimes such as illegal contraband and narcotics possession, homicide, gang-related violence and sexual violence. On an outside note, there are also reported higher rates of suicide among women aged 15 to 40. __Police Chief Sekimoto announced that the reports of increased crime and suicide being a retaliation and a direct consequence of the terrorism experienced by the Kira massacre, stopped two years ago, are baseless and speculative at best. Sekimoto-san addressed the press at the National Security press conference held this weekend after parliament passed the new Prisoners' Rights Act amendment-_

"What? You got a problem?" asked the lady in front of me.

The rude snarl snapped me back into where I was. The woman holding the newspaper noticed that I was staring at her paper too closely and was annoyed at my innocent public commuter conduct. I shook my head looked back out the window not wanting to look at anyone.

This was all part of the new macabre public conduct, taking effect about two years ago obviously. The women's carriage used to be a place of sharing information, of meet and greets, people talking, gossiping and chatting. But now, no one trusted anyone, nor ever wanted to speak, start a dialogue. It was the quiet song of a demoralised people. It carried into the outside world, where the Tokyo subway station was less enchanting and less enthusiastic. I remember how one time, a minister was criticised for calling the public 'emotionally bankrupt', it was funny to me, mostly because it was true. It just affirmed that it would take a long time for the nation to heal.

xxx

Life was no different on campus. Fewer students attended sporting events, participated in social events and clubs. It had been two years since the massacre had ended and it made me curious as to how many people had their lives directly affected by it.

At varsity I just did the usual and kept to myself and, if I thought public transport was intimidating, it had nothing on going to school where people knew that I Sayu followed by that unspeakable name 'Yagami' attended. My first refuge was always to find the only person willing to come close to me. Meghan.

Walking down the hallway, watching people pass me by staring down at their feet, sometimes huddled together in pairs or groups, I realised that I'd forgotten what it was like to have true friends; all of my previous friends were too afraid of me now or were told by their parents not to go near me. Clearly many people still didn't believe my mom and I when we told the courts that we didn't know anything about what was going on and kept silent about it to protect our 'beloved' as some people thought.

So where was Meghan today?Even though we took different majors and courses, she still stuck by me all the time, ironically the foreign student helping me adjust-

"-Watch where you're going Yagami Kira-"

As I was shoved hard into the nearest wall by my shoulder, my heart almost jumped out of my throat when I suddenly heard those two words that had become the bane of my existence along with who had said them.

She always looked at me directly. She never smiled, not even at her own taunts at me. She never wanted me to have a moment's peace. What she, along with her posse, wanted was to humiliate and dehumanise me at every given opportunity. Haruna had nothing on her.

The 'tries-to-excel-academically-to-gain-parental-acceptance' type of smart dark haired girl, Yuko Takada, from one of those academically competitive families I'd heard, had made a habit of worsening an already unbearable hell. The day I met her or rather when she recognised me in freshman year of college, she'd been my biggest beleaguer. I just never knew why.

"Stay out of my way." I tried from over my shoulder, talking tough but I couldn't back up the bluff.

"Or what? You gonna kill me Kira? Man, I thought being in some crack house was enough to make you slice up your wrists, but I guess I'll have to work harder." she taunted.

Most people would never dare say dark things like that to another human being out loud anyway, but Yuko was of a different sort. She was unafraid of crippling me with her hate. She enjoyed stalking me around campus and watching me eat, yelling out loud 'when are you gonna choke already? Or walking behind me with a razor blade crying out 'hey I've got one for you, just use it anywhere on your body...

At this point I was numb to the bullying. I already hated myself, so she was just speaking louder than my thoughts. I didn't know how long I could keep my cool but there was no escape. I was already behind everyone else in my studies because of the trauma and bereavement leave I'd taken.

I walked into the lecture hall feeling guarded because I hadn't seen Meghan prior as per usual mornings so my comfortable routine had been disrupted. At least I wasn't hungover this time. I wasn't however surprised that Yuko and two of her friends had come inside behind me even though they never did the law course. It was their pleasure to torment me.

I walked right to the back of the hall and found an available seat near the door as per usual, but Yuko and her two friends beat me to it and took up all three remaining seats at the back of the room. My temple was fuming that she'd taken all the seats when she didn't do the subject. I had no other alternative but to sit next to Yuko in the only other unoccupied seat in the back row. My nostrils were flaring.

"Welcome back" she whispered.

I placed my heavy law textbook down just as the law professor walked in and reached into my backpack sitting on the floor for my writing pad and turned back to my desk.

Something immediately caught my attention.

Something was placed on my desk underneath my textbook.

A thin A4 size booklet was sticking out from my usual textbook, one I didn't recognise and naively thought nothing of. The professor had started speaking about page numbers and such so I had no time to contemplate what it might be. I casually removed my law textbook to see the jet black book with white gothic styled writing on the cover.

_Death Note_

At first, I didn't realise what it was. All of a slow motion eight seconds it took me. It's like when pipes are placed under intense water pressure, it takes time, sometimes slowly before they burst open...

The world finally collapsed under the light weight table my feet rested under, I didn't believe it; that I could die again so quickly, it was a prank too cruel to be believed that anyone could conjure such evil...I felt my head tipping backwards to help inhale as much air as possible. Nothing more was felt.

I screamed at the highest longest held pitch I could muster.

My throat was at breaking point. I screamed so loud my head threatened to burst off the mounting on my neck, veins dangerously popping and throbbing. Several students closest to me turned around sharply in alarm before, in split seconds, began backing away from my wicked table, jumping out of their chairs to start a chain reaction.

"HOLY SHIT! IT'S A DEATH NOTE!" a guy screamed while backing up.

Screaming panic, more screaming panic.

Hordes of students escaped in a confusing blurr around me, sprinting, and gunning, trampling each other, stampeding, jumping over whole desks, tripping, and pushing each other out of the way just to make a break for their lives.

"GET ME OUTTA HERE!-"

"MOVE OUT THE WAY!-"

"WE'RE GONNA DIE!-"

Screaming panic. More screaming panic.

Kicking the table over and down the stairs of the lecture hall was instinctive: I needed to get that _thing_ away from me. With my renewed strength, I broke the chair bolted to the ground and threw it across from me. There was a hollow echo in my head, like wind passing a narrow tube, as I watched the stunned professor making his way up the stairs to get to me against the tide of traumatised students dying to escape.

"Miss, miss? What's the matter? What's wrong? What's going on?" said the alarmed law professor holding onto my arms to steady me.

I tried to talk but my absent voice wouldn't allow me. Everything went quiet as a warm fast liquid slid down from between my legs uncontrollably. I found feeling back in my legs which I used to propel myself away from the professor to head for the exit. As I ran out, the unmistakeable ehcoed voice of my oppressor blew into my ear, I overheard Yuko and her two friends laughing spitefully as I ran.

"_D, d, d did you, did you...Did you...s, s, s see that_ _l, l, look on her fugly Yagami face?"_

"_L, l, l, looks like she j, j, just had a heart attack! Get it!?" _

I ran down the hall screaming, tears streaming down my face. My eyes told me nothing of what I was seeing or where to go...

xxx

My body flew to the cold hard ground of the girls' bathroom and the back of my head hit the smooth tiles next to the sink. I couldn't breathe, the oxygen kept getting stuck in my throat as I hyperventilated. Everything was uncomfortably on me, my eyes, and my body soaked in my own sweat and urine. My hands flew to cover my head when two other girls walked inside the bathroom and let out quick screams before making their way out swiftly.

I'd only ever seen it once before.

Death Note.

It was by accident in a newspaper. The picture was leaked to the press from a highly classified document leaked by the most notorious world leaking site; the security minister almost had a heart attack himself. But once I saw it, I couldn't stop staring at it. No one, except those who'd worked in the Kira investigation team, had ever and would never ever find out any information about how it worked or what it looked like inside as the information was classified to the highest level by National Security and taken away to the UN Security Council. It was still a scary mysterious superpower we didn't know much about.

I rubbed my head and stood up, allowing my hood to fall to my shoulders. Staring at myself in the mirror, hot angry liquid bubbled inside my stomach, one that threatened to be my undoing. A break in the clouds allowed for the sun to peek out and shine through the window of the bathroom. The bright flash of light shining beamed in my deep brown eyes and gave my brown eyes a sadistic red appearance, like the ones I'd seen in the eyes of my brother in my nightmares, but this time it didn't scare me, it empowered me, compelled me to give in to my darkness. My red iris gleamed and sparkled in my narrowed eyes looking at my reflection in the mirror. I could think of only one thing.

A blank quietness encroached my mind. A darkened spirit scratched my fingernails over the smooth glass of the mirror. The wire that'd snapped inside of me hung warily happy to be relieved from its burden and long critical strained pretence. Tears swam in my eyelids as I walked out the bathroom and into the corridor. It was eight thirty. Once she was done bullying me, she'd always head for her car to fetch her backpack and textbooks.

At that time, I couldn't remember anything...when I walked up to the girl standing in the student parking lot unlocking her car, the one with the dark hair and grabbed a fistful of it in tufts as the girl screamed. I felt, heard and remembered nothing once again when I slammed the girl's head against the car... again and again and again.

The windshield broke, blood splashed in jets of red beads and sprinkles over the girl's face shattering the glass, over my body and hands. I screamed my bottled up rage along with the almost dying girl...

I was going to kill her.

I was going to kill her when strong arms grabbed me from behind, pulling me off Yuko while two male students pulled Yuko away from me.

"YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HER NAME!" Yuko shrieked through the blood and scars on her face as she was pulled away to on-campus emergency personnel. She didn't even realise that she was injured as absolute hysteria deluded her from pain.

"HOW DARE SHE, SON OF A BITCH! SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW HER NAME. _MY SISTER_, TAKADA KIYOMI." she screamed bursting out tears and trying to fall to the ground to weep while the medics and some students hurled us both away.

Yuko's cries of sorrow and hysteria followed me as I was being dragged away against my will. It was disturbing something inside me. I didn't know she had a sister. Or maybe I'd forgotten, because clearly it had something to do with me. That name. There was something about that name, but what was it?

Kiyomi.

After that, I finally snap back into feeling as I looked down at my bloodied hands with wide bulging eyes. It snapped me back to my senses and I stared down at myself.

"_My sister Takada Kiyomi..."_ It reverberated in my blank head again and again...

"Crap! It's Kira's sister!" yelled one of the students holding me back and immediately let go after what Yuko had said. They all stared at me from a distance for the monster I was. Being from the same womb that carried the Kira. It was guilty by association. It was the burden of carrying the Yagami name.

I ran away with campus security chasing me. I ran, pushed and shoved people out of the way until I was off campus and ran into the wet streets. The blood on my clothes would attract a densely populated Tokyo so I opted for a cab knowing it would clean me out to get home. The cab driver kept looking at me suspiciously like a murder suspect as I had blood on my clothing but I kept my hoodie over my head, which probably wouldn't help my case.

When I got home I dodged my mother cleaning the living room and ran upstairs and shut the door breathing hard. I didn't know what was worse, the fact that I'd been lied to for so long or that I was unable to blame anyone for the lies... I ran to the bathroom and threw off the coat I was wearing and washed Yuko's blood from my hands. I wrung the blood-stained water from her jacket and placed it over the bathtub to dry. Then I sat on the floor, knees up and took a breath while shoving my head between my trembling knees.

"_What have I done? I just had another mental breakdown and attacked someone! Again! Why am I still doing this? Why do I keep trying so hard? But if I end it all, at least Yuko's wishes of me being dead will come true as penitence for assaulting her..." _

It was a neverending vicious cycle of torture. My mind was broken. The bathtub and shower curtain were hypnotising me. From my angle it looked easy to rip the curtains into shreds and tie it around my neck. Or perhaps the bathtub, shove my head into its pool.

* * *

I never watch the news. I stopped two years ago. But with nothing else to do days later, after explaining to my mother that I was not emotionally fit for school yet, I sat watching TV. It was too late to change the channel when I realised what was going on.

A press conference taking place at outside the International Criminal Court at the Hague with the attendance of persons from the UN Security Council for anti-terrorism, and the United Nations Centre for International Crime Prevention.

The topic: 'Kira: The deadliest serial killer of the twenty first century.'

The meeting was in response to protesters in many international cities around the world calling on the Japanese government to adhere to its responsibility towards those affected by the massacre by revealing information about the Death Note. My mind filtered out that damning title. I didn't want it to soak in and poison me further.

"-Mom! Come in here. They're talking about it on the news_" _I yelled standing up.

"-_The Japanese government, Police Force and the UN Security Council have to comply with international law by restricting information of how the mass murderer known globally as 'Kira' was able to commit crimes of atrocity, as this would greatly compromise security. Revealing such information would greatly undermine efforts aiming to prevent future attacks especially in the wake of continuing investigation into the more than one Death Note being present at one time and copy-cats creating 'fake' Death Notes mainly by Kira support groups. As much as we applaud the remuneration given to people affected, we must also express concern over the failure of the Japanese government in the way they've failed to protect the remaining family of the deceased killer-" _

I turned around to stare confusedly at my mother clutching the remote with her thumb still on the on/off switch.

"They promised us. The police and investigators, they promised not to tell us, the public or anyone how the killings took place with that _thing_. I don't want to find out, not even by accident."

It took some serious guts for my mother to open her mouth these days, meaning she felt strongly about what she'd said. I shared her sentiments. Sachiko looking evermore exhausted than before handed the remote back to me and walked out without another word until the doorbell rang.

"Good day ma'am" said a man at the door.

She didn't respond but waited for him to speak.

"My name is Kurosaki, Yuko Takada's lawyer. I'm here to serve your daughter some papers."

My mother narrowed her eyes when I walked to the door.

"What papers?" I demanded when arriving at the door. My heart skipped a beat when I saw Yuko standing behind her lawyer all bandaged up with scratches and stitches along her face with a dull yet satisfied look on her face.

"Court papers. I'm representing Yuko Takada. She's filed a civil assault case against Sayu Yagami for damages such as: assault with intent for grievous bodily harm, damage to mental harm and emotional stress. You may not know this but your daughter viciously and physically attacked my client yesterday."

I knew that this wasn't going to blow over just like the rest of the world trying to sue us over what happened during the massacre. This time I had actually touched a person without contemplating that I would be charged for assault. I didn't remember much actually, it just happened out of snapping from the mental abuse she'd inflicted on me. I walked to the freezing outside of the house to confront her.

"Yuko, I'm sorry okay, I'm sorry for attacking you but you provoked me. You crossed the line and you know it. Please withdraw the indictment of assault."

Her eyes took me in, snaking me up menacingly from top to bottom before she started walking away. "You Yagami's have done enough damage. Just accept your miserable life instead of trying fruitlessly to make it better."

I bit my tongue at the unfair retort because I really needed Yuko to be on my side. "Yuko please, don't you understand, we're also being punished here. My mother and I are barely coping as it is. Don't you think that's punishment enough?"

She stopped walking and stared straight at me with every never and gall at its potent, gritting her teeth.

"Don't you get it Sayu," she lowed, "That's the whole point. Punishment. I intend to make you suffer as much as Japan and some people of the world for this. You deserve this punishment as much as we do for as long as you bare the Yagami name, a name that will go down in history with the likes of Hitler, as a name synonymous with evil. Demons in human flesh."

"_I_ never did anything wrong." I whispered in perfect victim mentality.

"Neither did my sister." she hissed stepping closer to my dreary face.

The sheer bitterness in her narrowed vicious eyes was jumping out and stinging me, I'd never seen such raw hatred from someone else this close. She hated me because of something that happened to her sister. She gave a fake bow of courtesy before walking away with her lawyer.

My feet felt paralysed by what I'd seen. Her eyes alone could've killed me alone. I could feel that familiar feeling of guilt and self-abasement bubbling under my heart. So much hatred had robbed Yuko of her soul and it was all my fault. I walked back into the house with my mother watching me silently.

"She pulled a prank on me using a Death Notebook." I said in a quiet tone staring into my mother's tormented eyes.

My mom tried walking away, but her feet wouldn't move her forward. She stood where she was and swallowed hard. Her brown eyes faded of all colour. Her skin drained of its colour.

"What are we doing? Why are we doing this? God please give me the strength to give up already." she lamented with a strained voice staring up and slowly shaking her head.

If I hadn't lost the ability to care for her, seeing my beloved mother like this would've shattered me. But now I had bigger burdens to deal with... I walked away from her as she leaned on the wall for balance and support.

I hastily shoved myself into my room before I could attempt to feel anything and slammed the door promptly, clutching the doorknob. I also lifted my head up while my weak legs gave way and I slumped down to the floor against the wall and smacked the court papers in my hands over my face. I couldn't believe the thought when it appeared in my head of reaching out to the Kira support/Kira Is Justice groups for financial support but erased the thought immediately and sighed loudly.

It just wasn't working. It wasn't getting any better. The healing of my mother and me hadn't improved. No. I realised that it would never end, we would just have to learn to live with the pain and contact the state lawyer. I wished I was my own lawyer already.

I was alone in this.

* * *

The feeling of giving up was reaching a tipping point when two days later, Meghan barged into my home to say: "Forget about the civil assault case. She's retraced the civil assault papers and has asked for another kind of reparation." said Meghan.

"But why?" was all I could ask before it became too good to be true. I didn't even think to question how she knew about it.

Meghan looked away from me, I got the feeling that she knew something to do with all this. But I welcomed it; it was all I needed to hear, someone else, someone stable was in control.

"What did you do Meghan? If you did anything uncalled for-

"It's nothing like that. I just blackmailed her." she said smiling and waving new court papers in the air. I could see in her smugness that she was trying to remind me that I still needed her.

"Just listen," she added seeing the annoyance in my eyes, "I told Yuko that I'd obtained footage of her planting that notebook on your desk before you sat there and I had several people who were willing to testify to the Student Representative Council. Apparently that kind of prank is now a criminal offense. So I kindly asked her to downgrade the civil assault case."

"Unbelievable."

"What's the point in studying law if you're not going to use it to your advantage? And I went through the liberty of going through your mail and read the letter from your lawyer. It's says now that you have to do 500hrs of community service and go to mandatory counselling, long and short of it. That's just over twenty days if you work a full twenty four hours everyday.

My burdens would never end. At least if I'd been sued out my ass I would've quit varsity and spent the rest of my days in a non-living state, but now I had to actually be in public with other people doing mundane labour. Despondency couldn't get any worse as I said nothing.

* * *

Days later, I jostled into the Department of Correctional Services in downtown Tokyo snuffing out a joint with my heavy brown camping boots on the visibly clean pavement, hoping that it wouldn't be spotted by the cities' clean patrol or anyone for that matter.

The second the glass door closed, my paranoia kicked in and I was afraid the people inside would somehow know it was me and stare. I was petrified of the prospect of stares and what they might intent. They could easily see my brother's face in mine. I walked into line and lowered my head, making sure that my hoodie covered my face sufficiently. I stared at the ground. Moved a little forward, stared at the ground. Moved a little forward. This way I didn't have to look at anyone. My heart was beating fast, but thankfully not enough for me to suffer a panic attack.

Finally it was my turn at the reception desk. The minute I got to the front I looked up and recognised the secretary immediately and she did me.

Rin. Rin Aragaki

She still had the same small pretty face, white thin librarian lips and the same bangs swept to the side and a long ponytail for as long as I'd known her. She looked at me fearfully with her jet black eyes, slightly wide eyed, and parted her lips slightly as if to say something but she decided against it last minute. Her head shot down immediately as she pretended to busy herself with some papers.

"Yes, how may I help you ma'am" she said swiftly never looking up at me.

"I have a community service letter from Judge Kamenashi-sama." She swiftly swiped the letters from my hands and began typing on her computer. I watched closely, noticing that she really wanted to look up at me.

"Here you go," she said handing me the papers, "go down the hall to your left and knock on the door that says room 201".

"Thanks. I know where to go. Rin-san" I said quietly using her first name and lingering where I was for a few seconds.

What I had said to her made her finally look up at me. We both felt the heaviness, how things have changed so drastically. It stirred something up inside her that I couldn't read. Not only knowing her name but telling her that I knew where to go.

We had a history of course.

I used to play around the secretary's desk waiting for my dad to get off work, and she would look after me. She'd allow me to amuse myself in her chair, spinning around to my delight, and bug her by asking too many questions. I was never allowed to answer the telephone, but at least I was allowed to lift it off the hook and hand it to her. It was innocent fun back when I was a brown haired child easily amused by small simple delights.

Back when my father used to work here as her boss. As the Chief of Police.

I walked down the hall, slightly grazing the walls with the sleeves of my oversized winter jacket. The memories came flooding me again. I could somehow see my father walking up and down, up and down stressed, stoic, and busy. I laughed internally when I remembered how I used to mock his seriousness by walking behind him and puffing up my chest, flexing my arms and pulling a manliness face stomping behind him to mimic him.

This place, you know, it even still smells like my daddy somehow...it made me feel safe.

I knocked on the door of room 201 and this time a man I didn't recognise with a walrus-like face and round belly greeted me at the door. The badge on his chest read 'Fujiwara'.

"Good morning, haven't I seen you before?" he asked.

"Erm, no," I said shaking my head slowly hoping he wouldn't recognise me as the daughter of one of the most important men ever to captain this building. "These are my community service papers."

"Splendid! I'll sign these papers, give you your number then introduce you to your supervising officer. Please sit down in the meantime." he said cheerfully typing on his computer and summoning someone with the phone. It took me by surprise. Genuine cheeriness was a rarity.

"Why are you so gleeful? Especially to someone in the system?"

He smiled at me through his moustache."Our attitude has to change because it's powerful enough to change how we feel. We need to remind people that prisoners and others in the system are people too. People are people," he said then continued after a pause, "I had erm, I had befirended a man incarcerated back when I was still a prison guard. Used to talk to him almost everyday and I work from 9 am to 10 pm, so he probably knew me better than my own family."

"What happened to him?"

"The mass murderer Kira hacked into our security files several years ago; he stole the dockets of the prisoners-"

"I'm so sorry sir" I interjected quickly not wanting to find out. I still had no idea how the Death Notebook worked and I'd planned on keeping it that way.

He nodded, giving me one genuine smile again. "Just wait here. He'll be here in a minute miss-

He slowly lifted his head when he saw my last name. I feared that it automatically meant he hated me. It was the burden of carrying the name.

"-miss Yagami, an unforgettable name indeed." This time he didn't smile back at me. I cringed at hearing my surname and buried my head in my palms spread over my face and took a breath.

There was a knock on the door. Fujuwara-san walked over to answer the door and spoke to whoever was behind it before he came inside. "Miss Yagami, this is your supervising officer who will be overseeing your community service hours."

I turned around and felt my heart being pulled downwards no, My dire heart sank into further resentment and aversion. He seemed to share the same shock as me.

"Well, I'll leave you in his hands. Gooday" said Fujiwara-san leaving my shocked self behind.

"No, no, No please," I begged backing up from my chair and clutching my chest.

He gave me a shrug and scratched the back of his head awkwardly. "Well, it is what it is. Hmmm, couldn't recognise you with that blonde hair." he said dryly to me. He appeared skinnier than I'd remembered. He had an unshaven unkempt beard. His voice was slightly deeper and he looked far scruffier with his unkempt hair and slightly vacant expression.


	3. Chapter 3: Never Again Campaign

_Dr Murakami (Click, tape recording day 16) you're smiling all of a sudden. Why does this topic give you such an infectious happiness?_

_Sayu Yagami: (Looks lovingly at fiancé) It was one of the most important steps in my healing. I learned to love myself again because it's impossible to allow someone else to love you if you don't love yourself first. Meeting him again felt like the first time. Well not at first but once we got to get to know each other, we realised that we weren't as different as I'd initially thought and there was still so much we needed to learn about each other. I think I helped him find his light too just as much as he helped me. Love has a way of blessing others through you, you know..."_

**Chapter 3: Never Again Campaign**

I refused. Every fibre of my being was fighting for me to protest. I just sat there shaking my head at how spiteful the universe was. The one thing that I was always running away from found a way to catch up to me, always. Just the thought of having to interact with someone else affiliated with _that investigation_ was too much to handle.

"Can't believe this actually," breathed Touta Matsuda taken aback and staring at me for the longest time as if I was a new species from another planet. He shook his head at me wide eyed and confused when a quick knock and entering officer walked in rudely.

"Where's Fujiwara-san?" he demanded, "I've brought her comm. service number. Took long enough for her to land up here." He said not looking at Matsuda but eyeing me up and down like a creature from hell. It shut me up for a moment as I stared back at him in disgust and anger.

"This is bullshit," I said to Matsuda, "I won't do this! I'm not going to work with someone like you! This whole thing makes me sick-"

The other officer looked around the corner for any incoming authority then came at me when the coast was clear. He grabbed my arm and pulled me up, giving me his own sickened look.

"Listen here you little bitch, you're lucky that we're not locking you up like you deserve. You have no choices here just like your brother never gave us. So, if you don't cooperate, you'll end up in one of these shit holes waiting for the news that your mother's body was found in some drain because she had nothing more to live for. Is that what you want?"

I looked into his hateful eyes and scowled at him before sucking out saliva from my salivary ducts and spat in his face. I didn't even know I had it in me to be that crude. He grabbed the collar of my jacket and just before he was about to pounce on me, he was grabbed from the shoulders and pulled away.

"Hey! Take your hands off her. Relax" yelled Matsuda pulling me and the officer away from each other. He then pulled the officer outside. I watched them both through the gap in the door as I smoothed my jacket.

"What the hell do you think you're doing? Are you trying to get yourself suspended again?" I overheard Matsuda enraged.

"Are you kidding me? That stupid mistake and her Kira brother are the whole reason this prison and justice system's fucked up. Now _we_ have to clean up the shit he left behind. 'Protection of Prisoner's Rights Act', what a bunch of bullshit. Do you know how much fucking harder it is for prisoners to be processed now that they're being protected? We're talking about rapists, murders, child traffickers and the most hardened criminal psychopaths. What kind of justice is that?" he vented.

"That has nothing to do with her, besides she's here for this community service and nothing else."

The other officer exhaled and pressed a frustrated hand on his forehead then slapped the same hand on his hip. "Community service, are you kidding me! Community service? That's all?"

"That's all." said Matsuda definitively.

He threw his hands in the air in surrender and walked away. "I don't know what I'm fighting for anymore anyway." he said.

I heard Matsuda give his own sigh, kicking the corner of the door that made me jump slightly. I lowered my head feeling defeated and more ashamed than I ever was. It just wasn't the time or place to let go of my feelings. Especially not in front of someone who worked on the Kira case, to see how it's affected me. It was too embarrassing.

"Sorry about that, he's a little dramatic. Okay, well I don't know I landed up being your supervising officer but it's done. I'll be overseeing your community service work, do you understand?"

"You mean he is disillusioned. The other officer, I mean, he's disillusioned not dramatic." I said unable to keep it in and wondering how he could be so formal to pretend he didn't even know me. I sensed that he didn't want to talk to me directly and informally to keep his distance. He gave a shrug of indifference.

"Anyway, do you understand what I said? Excuse me, but you have to look up at me and respond when I give you an explanation so I know you heard me. It's just formalities"

I didn't even flinch; I continued to stare at the ground fiercely.

"Hey, hey...Ms Ya-S-Sayu, please don't make this difficult" he said frustrated.

I finally looked up at him but not because he asked...but because he'd said my name. That was certainly not a formality. I looked at the sheet of paper in his hands and the way he'd placed it down. I understood. He didn't want to say my surname. It was a painful reminder.

"Are you supposed to call me by my first name? What happened to my last name?" I cheeked him.

He kept quiet and busied himself with the computer.

"So, I'm not allowed to asked questions that get answers?"

"Not yet. And sarcasm doesn't help either. Now do you understand what I said?"

I nodded my head begrudgingly like a child.

"Great. Well continuing with where I left off, you will perform a mandatory five hundred hours of service until your hours are completed" he said holding a paper up in front of me, "This is your sheet that I'll be filling in according to how you carry out your duties and how you will score depending on how satisfactorily you carry out your tasks, I don't know if Fujiwara- sama stated this, but good behaviour could include me reporting to your lawyer and presiding judge who could let go before finishing your hours. Do you understand?"

I nodded my head.

"Good. Now you're here for..." he trailed off reading my papers, he appeared to be shocked. My reddening face couldn't stand the embarrassment and shame of having someone from the Kira case knowing what I had done. I'd pleaded innocent and hoped they'd all believed me.

"You're here for aggravated assault, assault to do grievous bodily harm and emotional damage to...Ms. Takada..." he trailed off.

His eyes lit up in a way I'd never seen before. I'd involuntarily looked up too quickly and caught Matsuda's shocked gaze. It was a flash before it disappeared. I couldn't tell whether his shock was perhaps because he knew Yuko or something about her or that I'd assaulted someone. I hadn't seen Matsuda since my father's funeral a little over two years ago where I didn't even speak to him. He knew me, the person I was, that I wasn't involved in any of the crimes Kira carried out. Now I could see he didn't know what to believe knowing how I'd assaulted someone so viciously. But why did I care that he remembered me for who he knew me as anyway, times had changed and so had I.

He cleared his throat. "Let's see what we have for you to do here..." he said typing on Fujiwara-san's computer.

"Nothing in garbage collecting, highway fixing, paving, hmmm. Guess we don't have anything here yet but you get the idea of what you're likely to do right? Something nasty, grimy, hard labour, something like that. Your lawyer will receive a letter when we're ready for you, then we go from there. Any questions?"

"Yes. Why are you going through with this?"

"Because it's my job" he said simply.

"That's not what I mean and you know it! You and I know each other; you shouldn't even be allowed to be my supervising officer. That's a conflict of interest"

"It doesn't qualify anymore. I haven't seen you in a while."

"You're lying! That's not a real rule. I'm gonna squeal like a bird and tell your bosses of your corruption." I threatened.

"Listen, I'm prepared to take you because I might be the only person in this entire precinct that doesn't have anything against you! But if you prefer the other hostile officer then go ahead. What do you think someone like him would do behind closed doors when no one's watching? Do you think for one second that he wouldn't break the law and do something harmful to you if he had the chance, and who'll believe you over an officer? Especially after your offence."

"My offence? So now that's proof of my criminality?"

"Nobody knows the truth Sayu; people are still afraid and act in fear or hatred. Especially police, we're still dealing with the messy repercussions of two years ago and the irrevocable damage it did to the police force's morale, psyche and numbers. Now if you want to stay safe, keep quiet and do what you have to do."

He ran his fingers in his unkempt hair distractedly. That's when I took a closer look at Matsuda. I saw the deep bags under his eyes. Dark circle under dark circle under dark circle made prominent by his eyebrows drawn together. His bony fingers were as skeletal as the rest of his body. I could see: He'd lost weight, which was astonishing since he'd never had a lot of weight to begin with. I saw his thinning unkempt hair and just underneath, small patches of no hair at all. It wasn't hair loss from old age as he was just over a decade older than me...it was hair pulled out.

I knew it when I saw it; he was distraught, and it was too visible. The curiosity was burning in me; I wondered how he had been coping or the lack thereof for the past two years since the Kira investigation. I noticed that his demeanour had also changed. Matsuda had been somewhat of the comic relief of his police team back in the day, as I remember dad saying to mom. Even I'd remembered him as being charming, funny and carefree. But now he was far more serious, straight faced, formal and snappy. The jokes were over. His funny was gone.

"Well, if there's nothing more, that's it for now. You can leave and we'll contact your lawyer when we have something for you." he said snapping me back into the moment.

I got up to leave but his jaded and weary appearance and condition kept bugging my mind. "Erm Matsuda-san?" I said fidgeting by twirling my fingers together.

His eyes swiftly darted towards me lifting his dark eyebrows questioningly before fixing back onto his computer.

"Never mind."

* * *

I fast walked out of his office throwing my hood over my head and allowing the long sleeves of my oversized jacket to hang over my hands as I left the Police Department. I couldn't believe it; I'd actually encountered someone from a previous life. Someone who seemed to be suffering as much as I was.

On the way to the train station, I was dragged out of my thoughts by a demonstration of people. A young woman holding a large cardboard heart painted bright pink with a large line going down the middle to show a broken cracked heart, stood at the centre of the Tokyo crossing holding a megaphone and walked down the street with a crowd of about sixty other people also carrying signs, handing out flyers and wearing prisoners' uniforms.

"Never again shall we allow one person in power to dictate what justice is!

Never again shall we allow a human being to rule over us absolutely and act as our god!

Never again shall we allow evil and fear to take over rationality!

Never again shall we allow our society to become dehumanised and desensitised to our other fellow human beings. Prisoners are humans too! They deserve fair trial and judgement! Never again! Support the families and friends of Kira's victims!"

One volunteer handed me a pamphlet as the demonstration passed me with continued fervour handing pamphlets to other people as they yelled "Never again campaign! Never again Campaign!"

Suddenly out of nowhere the demonstrators stopped walking a few miles from me when several people began chanting out in contest:

"KIRA! KIRA! KIRA!"

Someone from the crowd made the bold move to step in front of the demonstrators to have his say. "Why would you ignoramuses fight for people who infringe on the rights of others? Why would you help prisoners who are murderers, molesters and government corrupters? Kira was justice! He finally brought peace of mind to our rotten society!" he yelled to which Kira supporters applauded him.

"Because they deserve a fair trial to prove their innocence! Also because criminals should be placed in prison and not killed! They deserve a second chance!" yelled the anti-Kira protesters.

Things began to escalate to rowdiness as people started becoming physical. Luckily the police began swooping in as the two crowds clashed together. Before I could witness the looming bloodbath of the pro-Kira vs anti-Kira protesters, I rushed off to the train station reading the Never Again Campaign's pamphlet that they'd given me.

"_Did you know that more than half of prisoners awaiting trial are innocent? Did you know many prisoners killed by Kira had shown remorse, do you know that violent criminals make up just 2% of criminals in Japan yet mass murderer Kira wiped out nearly 70% of the prison population in the Kanto region alone, excluding police officers and those who opposed him? Did you know that 20% of people killed by Kira were involved in petty crimes and people he considered 'immoral'._

_For more information visit our website. _

I had to admit that although demonstrators were annoying as they cause traffic jams and inconveniences, this group had me curious. Their passion and zeal was unmistakeable.

When I finally got home, I made sure to visit their website almost immediately, hoping to understand their cause. Their main website read:

Never Again Campaign is a non-profit organisation aimed at supporting the people who were drastically and detrimentally affected by the Kira massacre- you can get involved.

I clicked on their main headline:

_It's hard to believe that it's been nearly two years since the Kira mass murder incident took place in our lovely country and affected the whole world. This is none more truly than the people who were directly affected by Kira and his INJUSTICE. The organisation aims to help those who are in financial need, emotional support or just need to get their lives back in order by restoring their hope. The victims of Kira were the loved ones of many people regardless of their criminality or not. You would be doing a great service for the people of Japan and this community... click HERE to find out more._

I didn't click on the link to find out more as of yet because something clicked inside of me when I read the main article. Service. This, helping the victims of Kira and those left behind without proper government compensation. That had to be the service I was meant to do. It couldn't be a coincidence that the police dept. couldn't find any grunt work for me to do. This opportunity has been calling my name.

The excitement that pulsated through my body at the idea of this made my heart race. It was a chance to help people like me and also clear my name in the process, show people that I'm as remorseful as they are and regret what had happened even though I wasn't directly involved.

* * *

The next day as I headed back to the police station I was somehow cheerful because, I had an idea. The police station wasn't expecting me yet since they hadn't contacted me but I'd thought about it all night. I knew what my community service was going to be, if I had my persuasion skills on par. It was easy enough for me to sneak my way into the hall I knew too well.

"Hey Fujiwara-san I just had an idea," I said bursting into his office where Matsuda was also present. "What if-

"Miss Yagami, didn't Matsuda tell you that we'd contact you when work was made available?" he asked at my jumpiness and looking up at his subordinate whereas Matsuda looked straight at me.

"I know but I wanted to ask you something. Would it be permissible for me to suggest my own community service work? There's this charity organisation that goes by the name of the 'Never Again Campaign' and they're seeking volunteers to help them with their mission to help and support the families of Kira's victims. They raise funds for financial support, and start support groups where people group talk with a counsellor present to mediate and other things too."

He scanned the pamphlet I handed him with Matsuda also reading over his shoulder with doubt. If I didn't persuade them soon, all my long lost enthusiasm would be dead forever.

"I admire your originality but there's nothing that I can do about this. It would have to be approved by the department and we'd have to sign an agreement with this organisation." said Fujiwara-san.

I took a breath to calm my burgeoning frustration before I could allow myself to sink back into hopelessness...I had to play all my cards.

"Fujiwara-san, times have changed. This is the post-Kira Japan," I campaigned dramatically; "Community service doesn't have to encompass cleaning streets; we already have some of the cleanest streets in the word. What we really need is a way to serve the community for a long term effect. Remember the prisoner you talked to everyday, who was killed," I said softly looking him in the eyes and he finally stopped to look at me, "Do you know whether he had a family he left behind?"

He nodded looking over to a picture on his shelf. "His partner and son. She cut ties with him when he went to prison and disallowed their only son to see him, saying he was no role model. The one wish he'd always wanted was for his son to see him."

"Well did you ever think what could become of that son right now? What if they're not managing? What if that very son lands up in here because he has a skewed angry view of life and no male role models?" We have a chance to make a real difference. We could reach out to him, you could tell him what kind of man his father really was, not just a prisoner but a flawed human being just like the rest of us. Give him something to be proud of, some dignity, some justice."

Matsuda gave me a knowing look that I recognised as caution. Clearly over the years as he'd worked on the Kira investigation team, a solid definition of justice had been misconstrued so he probably didn't know how to process my words. However, Fujiwara-san seemed convinced and genuinely moved.

"I'll speak to the head of my division. In the meantime you have to approach this organisation and inform them of your plans for this to work." he said.

"Wait, you're going ahead with this?" asked Matsuda bemused.

"It's a noble cause and a great way to devilify the humans we work with everyday Matsuda." said Fujiwara-san.

"Fujiwara-san, do you mind if I talk to erm, her for a moment?" asked Matsuda referring to me and clearly avoiding to say my taboo name.

I walked out the office with him, feeling surprised and not knowing what to expect. He turned me around, placing his hands on my shoulders and stared dead straight at me.

"Okay where are you going with this? What are you planning?" he asked bluntly.

"Planning? I'm just doing something to help people; it's the least I can do to make amends—

"Amends for what? You didn't do anything, what happened was not your fault," he said shaking his unkempt hair. "You don't owe anybody anything. It's not your duty, or your calling, you are not 'the chosen one' who is the only person who can help these people-

"I never said I was Matsuda," I said defensively and taken aback by his conviction, "I'm just trying to help society."

"That's a little difficult to believe considering that I've heard those words before from someone who thought they were actually doing something good and which I believed for a while." he snapped at me.

His words stung me to the core. As much as I wanted to be more angry than hurt, I couldn't; it brought tears to my eyes. Only then did he realise what he'd done to me, he softened his gaze. I swung my hand at him but he blocked me.

"I'm sorry, that's not what I meant-

"_How dare you Matsuda_! "I whispered teary eyed, "_How dare you think that I was like him! You think that I have an ulterior sinister motive for doing something good?" I cried. _

"I'm sorry; I just don't know what to think anymore. I don't know who to trust. Look Sayu," he added when I was about to walk away, "What I said was out of fear and uncertainty. We've all been through hell these past few years and our suspicions and paranoia are at an all-time high."

The sincerity and honesty in his intense brown eyes calmed my fire down.

"Look, I'm your supervising officer, so if you go ahead with this community service then I'll support you wholeheartedly. Is that okay?"

I thought about it for a while then nodded my head. Admittedly I still felt extremely offended by what he'd said, but at least, I would have someone on board with me.

* * *

A few days later when I finally had the confidence to go downtown to the base of the Never Again Campaign's headquarters, it took me three attempts to walk inside fearing the absolute worst. This time though, Matsuda had to accompany me.

Matsuda shook his head of unkempt hair while giving a side scowl. I hadn't even considered what kind of effect this would have on him. It could reopen old wounds that weren't healing.

"Thanks for coming with me." I said appreciatively.

"Anytime, well as long as it's kind of my job actually," he said in his dry humour but added, "But hey, this seems important to you somehow so I'm happy to be here."

I stopped walking to look directly at him and he at me. There had to be some kind of indication of disingenuousness. He couldn't've really meant that could he? There was no way he actually _cared _after what he'd said to me the other way I did appreciate it.

"Thanks Matsuda," I said. He gave me a thumbs up.

"It's nice not to feel so alone for once." I added in the moment.

Once again, he looked at me for a long time taking in what I'd said and nodded. "Me too" he whispered pulling the hood off my head. For some reason it made my face burn up in the stingy winter air.

Matsuda and I stepped into the building of the headquarters of the Never Again Campaign to the reception area.

"Good morning, I'm here to speak to Komiya-chan. Is she here?" I asked the woman wearing a bright orange t-shirt with the campaign's logo.

"You're talking to her. How can I help you two?" she said giving a smile.

"Erm, well I saw your website and I'm interested in getting involved in helping the families of Kira's victims."

"Wonderful, thank you so much...We do fundraisers for families, raise awareness and hold support group meetings for those who need to talk about their experiences. May I ask your reason for joining?"

"I actually have court ordered mandatory community service to do. This here is my supervising officer," I said referring to Matsuda who gave a quick wave of his hand. "I was hoping for a merger or a syncing between the Department of Correctional Services and this campaign for me to do my five hundred hours here."

"Oh," she said trying as best as she could to hide her disappointment, "So you're here on a forced duty. Well we help is help at the end of the day-

"No, don't think of it like that, I...I'm," my hesitation chickened me out, telling this woman who I was, was far too intimidating. "I really wanted to do this because I know it can have a long impact and that's why I came to you. I want to do my hours in a very worthwhile cause instead of doing something that'll go unappreciated."

"Sure, I guess you're right. You could be of some help even if it's just to clean up the vandalism done by the Kira support groups to our facilities."

"Why would they do that?" asked Matsuda.

"Well naturally the whole Kira massacre has divided public opinion and debate. Many people don't like the idea of protecting and aiding people affiliated with prisoners who've mostly committed inhumane acts. And I don't blame them; it's easier for government to make villains out of prisoners just to take the focus off of their own shortcomings. Kira is justice for the public in a way that the police and criminal courts can never be. No offense cop."

"None taken" said Matsuda.

I shut out any thoughts that threatened to dwell in my head. "May I ask why you started this organisation?"

"It started out as a casual conversation between me and a friend. It's been two years since the end of the Kira terrorism yet the response from government and the private sector has been slow. Also because of the misconception that criminals are unwanted, uncared for, bloodthirsty monsters when many of them had families and loved ones too who were dependant on them for a livelihood."

"And erm did you lose anyone?" I asked wanting to steer the conversation onto a different path.

"My mother," she whispered curling her lip. "She was a drug addict and drug mule my whole, life until she was arrested trying to smuggle narcotics from Bali three years ago. I just ask myself all the time, what that young man could've gone through in his life to have done this, unleashed fear to control people. Who brainwashed him? My mom was no criminal, she just needed help."

I shifted uncomfortably at what she'd said. She stopped me before I could walk out of the building.

"Anyway, you should come to our training session this Thursday to learn about what you can do for us then report it back to your officer." She said referring to Matsuda.

* * *

The training mainly consisted of going to group meeting to find out about their objectives of helping those families financially affected since breadwinners were killed and the proper conduct of how to interview victims and sensitivity training. Feeling guilty and terrified always stiffened me as I was overly paranoid that someone would find out who I was. Matsuda was unable to accompany me this time but somewhere far inside me wished that Matsuda had accompanied me so I wouldn't have to feel so alone. He was the only person who knew exactly how I felt.

When I got back home that Thursday, my mother Sachiko was reading a book for some escapism when she noticed me looking at her from the door of my room.

"I erm, my community service hours will be completed by joining a campaign to help the families of Kira's victims. It's my way of paying back the debt we owe to society." I said handing her the pamphlet.

She glossed over it multiple times at the eye catching orange and black theme. "Does that include us?" she whispered. I couldn't help being taken aback because it wasn't something that'd even crossed my mind.

I walked back into my room to phone my gaijin friend to tell her of the news, something I was actually excited about for the first time in forever, but something in her tone of voice told me that she didn't share my sentiments. Her anger at me was evident in the way she almost broke down the front door to meet me at my house.

"Why are you doing this?" Meghan asked outraged as she bolted to my room and shut the door promptly.

"What do you mean? You're the one who got Yuko to allow me to do community service hours. Besides, I'm helping people." I said exasperated at her fury.

"Helping people? Helping people related to criminals? What is that? You're rewarding people who have sheltered monsters their whole lives and sending the message that it's okay to commit crimes because we're all human?" she said hysterical.

"These people had nothing to do with the crimes committed by family members-

"Oh yeah? Well did your precious organisation tell you that 64% of relatives of the criminals killed by Kira knew what their criminal family members were up to? They weren't like you; they intentionally hid the truth of crimes their relatives committed. You should really read the news once in a while..._would you even reach out to the family of the man who hurt me_?" her voice broke.

"You know I would never do that. If only the police-

"Oh right, the police, if only he was arrested and jailed with free meals, free shower and friends until he's released after a few lousy years, what a punishment. They were never going to arrest him. There was no evidence and I wasn't willing to step forward. What Kira did was to get rid of someone so he never does to other girls what he did to me."

I had no arguments, and I couldn't blame Meghan for being a silent Kira supporter.

"Meghan you need someone to talk to-

"You know I erm, I was supposed to go to with a student guide to Inari Shrine as a cultural excursion? But I decided against it, I almost got a perfect score on my Japanese proficiency test at home in the UK so it made me overconfident that I didn't need a guide. But when I got to the train station, I was so overwhelmed by the commotion and the kanji seemed to flow over my head, when a kind stranger offered to help take me there, I didn't question it. Next thing I'm unknowingly being led astray to some old abandoned arcade game warehouse."

Tears began to fall down her red cheeks. I walked up to the broken student to place my hands on her shoulders not knowing what else to do but she backed away from me.

"And now you're going to reward his family gifts of condolences to say sorry for the loss of income. Your relative was a human too who deserved respect." she whispered through her tears.

Shaking my head wouldn't suffice to convince her of what I'd planned to do but I couldn't think of anything else but I was also not going to quit the Never Again campaign before I'd begun. "Maybe you should come to the support groups and see what it's like, it could help you heal."

Meghan kept quiet and walked out of my room, my house without another word.

* * *

After several weeks of training, and once my request of doing my hours helping the Never again campaign, and Matsuda had finally finished signing my papers, handing me my numbers and everything approved when we decided to meet the first family in need of assistance due to the disruption caused by the Kira massacre. I also couldn't help but keep Meghan's words in my mind. There was no real way of finding out whether I was doing the right thing until I met these people. I also kept in mind what Komiya-chan had said_. Find out what their story is first to humanise them and don't treat them as victims._

I still couldn't believe we were doing this, couldn't believe that Touta and I were walking down a busy street during the day of some far away neighbourhood hidden by a long highway and long overly rusted snaking train tracks. The street was full of unscrupulous looking people giving the both of us strange looks, like we were lost or something. There were many men loitering around on the streets, skater boys, making kissy faces at me when we walked by.

Matsuda walked closer to me and that's when I noticed him tuck away his police badge. "Stay close Sayu, we're almost there" he whispered.

We got to the white building heavily laden with graffiti, street art and colourful stickers. It was a great way to decorate the rather dull and dicey building on a corner road.

Finally after two flights of twisted steel stairs, and finding the right door number scribbled with black ink, we made it to the correct place.

Knock, Knock, Knock

Somewhere nearby a dog barked loudly at our presence and I could hear a baby crying from the inside. I felt a sense of uneasiness not knowing what to expect. Whoever was behind this door was just one of millions of people affected by the Kira Mass Murders. Who knows what kind of hell they would be living because a loved one was unjustly taken away from them.

"Coming, just give me a second." came someone from the other side.

I took a long held breath and looked down kicking my feet. It felt like we stood outside waiting forever.

"Hey don't worry," whispered Matsuda walking up to me and placing his hand under my chin, "chin up okay, no one else in the world could reach out to families of Kira's victims like you are, not even the police, you're braver than we are."

His dark eyes coloured in with fewer dark circles under them were as sincere as I'd ever seen them, these days anyway. He really felt it that we could affect positive change. A smile broke the surface of my face, and it surprised me how much his support was so comforting to me.

"Thanks Matsuda" I said unable to keep the smile off my face as I turned back to the door and buried my hands in my jacket pocket. He gave me a playful nudge with his elbow, my smile grew.

Finally a click, swoosh and a shuffle resulted in a woman opening the door. Here we go. There was no turning back now.


	4. Chapter 4: Looking Glass

_Dr A Murakami: (Click, tape recording, day 21) "Why did you choose not to find out about the Death Note and how it works?"_

_Sayu Yagami: Well firstly it was classified information. But secondly and most importantly, at that time I didn't want to deal with the truth of it all. I'd convinced myself that if I didn't think about any of it, then I could go on pretending that it wasn't real. It kept me going for a while until a certain incident where I found out some gruesome information surfaced, and that's when I realised that it couldn't be ignored anymore. _

**Chapter 4: Looking Glass**

Matsuda and I were both unable to stop ourselves from looking her up and down in mild surprise. She had short black hair with blue extensions that were two inches longer than her heal hair. Every few seconds she kept popping the bubblegum she furiously chewed on in quick bursts. Her outfit consisted of metallic leggings with a black belt and a gaudy gold buckle, a white sporty crop top and a PVC jacket in neon pink. She was quite a sight, not only because of her loud appearance, but also and more disconcerting was the restless baby she bounced on her side hip.

"Yeah what is it? Landlord gave me another two weeks to pay" she said popping her gum.

"Erm, no we're not here for any payment. Actually," I said looking at Matsuda who nodded his head at me, "We're here to see _you_. Are you Miss Akina Soo-Kim?"

"How do you know my name? Who are you people?" she said shaking her head confusedly.

"Erm, I don't know if you, erm, erm remember but-

"You signed up for financial help for families of Kira's victims from the Never Again Campaign's group," Matsuda chimed in seeing me hesitate.

"Well we, both of us, are that help. May we come in and speak to you?" he finished grabbing me by the shoulder and pulling me closer to make us look more like a credible team. I took his hint and smiled along with him. She gave us what look like a look of scepticism while taking a good while to make up her mind. But she looked at me the longest and although I had the instinct to look away, she nodded her head.

"Come inside" she said pointing inside with her head.

"Aww hello there, boy," cooed Matsuda in a high pitched voice at the baby boy on her hip, "Can I hold him?"

I exchanged bemused looks with the woman as she handed the little boy to a gleeful Matsuda as I smiled back awkwardly when we walked inside; I'd never been witness to Matsuda's nurturing side but I was well aware of his weirdo complex.

"So, that particular campaign was actually legit? I just thought it was some government prop to make the world believe that they're actually helping us. Just like all the hundred other ones." Dismissed the woman.

"So do you mind telling us which one of your loved ones was killed by Kira?" I asked.

She took a breath and threw herself onto the couch with Matsuda sitting beside her and bouncing the baby on his lap.

"Shinseki," she said staring out the window. I noticed her face lost its original spark. "He was a ruthless gangster, the type who'd been hardened by the streets. We both grew up one flight of stairs away from each other in this building housing immigrant families. Shinseki was born to foreign parents with few working rights, at least my parents were able to apply for my education funding because my mother's Japanese. Eventually Shinseki was recruited by the mob; they needed his outside contacts to South Asia. He joined the division of the Yakuza that dealt specifically with smuggling guns, traditional weapons and human trafficking," she said looking down, "he also roped me into it eventually using this place as a safe house."

She took a breath to swallow the lump in her throat. Matsuda stopped playing with her son to listen carefully to her.

"Then things took a turn for the worst when the Kira massacres began. I was there in Tokyo square that day all those years ago when the international police used a live news broadcast to trap and trick the new serial killer 'Kira' into revealing his location, which was in Kanto region no less, and used that death row criminal to find out that Kira can kill people without being close to them."

"Lind, L Taylor" whispered Matsuda shaking his head. I looked at him unknowing and afraid of what he was remembering and how it probably affected him.

"It was so scary; we didn't know what we were dealing with, someone with godlike powers of killing people in whatever manner without close contact in some voodoo book." she whispered. I could see her shuddering in fear and vulnerability. Matsuda curled his lip.

"After that, it was just pure hell. I begged him to leave the mob but he couldn't leave willingly, still then he was so unafraid of Kira like he was untouchable. I was done with him then, I told him that I wanted to leave him because-

"You thought Kira would kill you for being the accomplice of a criminal?" asked Matsuda in his police mindset.

"Yes but he...he just said no because he loved me, that I was nothing without him and he was my only source of income. During the first month of Kira, twelve of his fellow mob crew were killed by heart attacks, including one right here in this house. He'd broken out of jail and it was reported on the news that night, Shinseki forced me to hide him here in our apartment when he had the heart attack. I watched a man die right in front of my eyes and Shinseki did nothing. He would come over to the house with his maniacal friends to hide themselves, their sins and sometimes other people and I would completely refuse, but he would just beat me to keep me quiet. I couldn't stop him." she cried looking powerless.

"Why didn't you go to the police?" I asked exchanging regretful looks with Matsuda.

She looked insulted when darting her eyes at both of us. "The police? Are you joking? What would the Japanese police do for the penniless girlfriend of a foreign national mobster whose Korean father was still awaiting his status?"

Matsuda kept quiet. He didn't look away from her but couldn't look back at me.

"It was a miracle that Shinseki was able to stay off of Kira's radar for so long. But eventually he was caught and arrested. That was two years ago when I found out I was having his child. I was devastated that I had to bring up a child in that kind of environment."

"So how did it all end? How did you eventually find out about his death?" asked Matsuda.

"The police called his parents and then me. They'd told me that the prisons had started using aliases to prevent the unknown Kira from hacking into their files again to steal their information but somehow, the other Kira was able to find out the real names of every one of the new prisoners who came in that day. He was one of the first people killed by the other Kira, the original's proxy, the one with the glasses, we found out."

"Mikami Teru" said Matsuda supressing a shiver. He clenched his fists tight together and bowed his head. His whole body was shaking but the woman was looking away from us and rubbing her nose in her baby's cheek.

"How have you been able to support yourself since?" I asked.

"I have a job working at a hair salon in Shinjuku. My mother watches my son Yura here during the day; luckily my boss gives me weekends off to be with him but of course it means less income," she joked sarcastically.

"And one more question that I'd personally like to ask. Do you believe Kira is justice?" I asked nervously.

She thought about this for a second when she took her baby back into her arms and looked into his innocent eyes then turned back to look at Matsuda and I.

"Yes, I do." she responded with a definitive resolve.

Matsuda and I both looked at each other surprised; it wasn't the answer we were expecting.

"I've seen first-hand how the criminals on these streets run this city without any regard for others. Shinseki and his friends don't care about anyone as long as they get their way and jail wasn't any kind of punishment. He was a bully. It's better for me and Yura to be without a man who would only bring trouble to our doorstep. My child is safe and that's all I care about. Honestly speaking, for me and Yura, Kira may have done us a favour in the end."

I watched her cuddling the tiny boy lovingly in her arms. She really did seem content and relieved but I couldn't understand why. No way that the mass murders could've been _a good thing_.

"Well anyway, you signed that you'd like some financial help to pay for you son's schooling, that's all?"

"That's all I want." she said honestly.

"Okay. The Never Again Campaign will be in contact with you once we have a definitive amount of what they can give. Thanks for your time." I said while supervisor Matsuda filled in my mandatory hour's sheet.

* * *

Matsuda and I walked away from the area where Miss Akina lived and back downtown to Tokyo, and in the meantime, I couldn't help but mull over what she'd said. Matsuda must've noticed my pensive state because he broke my thoughts by taking my hand and steering me over to a corner shop barely noticeable in the quiet street. My eyes shot down at his hands in mine. How long had it been since my hand had been entwined with someone else's sweaty palms. The feeling was almost foreign to me. It felt comforting having someone else with me. Someone else who was finally in control.

"Let's get something to eat and distract us before you become the brooding antihero of your own story." he said giving a fake chuckle. I could see that he was still somehow affected by what was said today that conjured up memories of the investigation, and I knew that most people hid their pain by trying to make others laugh.

"Sorry for roping you into this Matsuda. I'm sure you just want to forget about all of it." I said sincerely.

"You didn't rope me into this; it's helping you anyway so I don't mind. I guess you and I are inextricably linked to our past and to each other. Just wait here." he said looking at me in fake indifference.

I regrettably untwined my fingers out of his grip as I waited for him outside a rather shady looking shop.

"Here's lunch" he said coming out and handing me a white box with two glass bottles. I peeped inside the box and looked back at him in surprise. "Doughnuts and beer?" I asked exasperated at the half dozen fried goods and alcohol.

Matsuda shrugged giving a smirk. "Wait, you've never had doughnuts and beer?" he asked looking outraged at my lack of living. I vehemently shook my head.

"Wha...you don't know what you've been missing. The bitterness of the beer combined with the sweetness of the doughnut is sheer bliss. Let me take you on a journey. Sit and experience. Let me change your life."

He sat down on the sidewalk looking like a vagrant with his scraggly hair. Once again his randomness caught me by surprise.

"Sit down," he said patting the spotlessly clean pavement next to him. I didn't even know what to do. I just sat down without any question.

"So I'm the _only one _who thinks it's weird to have doughnuts and drink alcohol in the middle of the day while sitting on some street pavement even when it's illegal to drink in public especially considering you're a cop?"

"Shhh, Sayu, just eat and enjoy, my goodness! Besides what do you think the tall hedges are for? Not to mention this quiet street corner. It's like the unspoken tradition here at this little joint."

I tasted it; admittedly it was a unique blend of tastes but nothing to cheer about. I just went along with Matsuda's fervour and pretended it was an amazing sensation as he was totally waiting for it.

"Ahhh, see, its sooo good." he said in a mouthful. I stared at him chewing on the quickly dissolving dessert in my mouth from the drink. He was enjoying himself too much at the ridiculous meal to be taken seriously. I couldn't stifle my chortle any longer and let it go. I shook my head and laughed at him.

"This is just so weird, you're weird as always! I guess not everything about you has changed"

He ran his fingers through his dishevelled black hair, wiping the smile off his face in the process.

"Actually I have; I don't know what I'm fighting for anymore. It's why I left the mainstream police for a softer position. It used to be pretty easy telling who the bad guys were. But now lines are blurred. I realised that everybody has a story and that the good guys aren't always that good. I mean you heard that woman, no one believes we police can protect them anymore and they're probably correct. A serial killer with misconstrued ideas about retribution does a better job of making people feel secure than we do, ironically."

"That woman only considered it from the perspective of her baby's future. It might've been justice for her but not for other people." I campaigned. We went quiet for an awkward moment before I struck up some courage to ask him. "So then how have you been dealing with stuff since the end of January two years ago?"

"I did everything I could think of to forget what happened. I tried therapy and even hypnosis can you believe. But I can't, I'm not supposed to forget any of it. That's how it should be." he said softly. I could see it in his eyes; how he'd lost a sense of himself. He was trying to re-evaluate who he was. Everything that happened hit us all with a heavy blow.

"Don't worry Matsuda; you're a good guy, as far as demoralised cops go. Even my dad knew that"

He gave a dismissive chortle. "Anyway, never mind about me, what about you? You used to be such a happy kid, so energetic with light in your eyes." he said giving a lacklustre attempt to humour me, but growing up with my brother I'd already gotten used to all the puns.

A silence fell between us while I mustered the courage to say the painful truth. I sighed. It was my turn.

"I'm still trying to figure things out myself. I've been continuing my varsity education in criminal law at a private college her in Tokyo before taking leave. Mom's not doing too well either. I think she may be slowly giving up on me and everything in general. She basically stopped talking since two years ago. Also because I left home for a long time"

"Well, you can't afford to let that happen. You have to take care of her; it's what your father would've expected. Even when you're in your darkest hour, you've got to find it in yourself to be her anchor, her reason for living, to see you prosper."

"But how? How can I be there for her if I can't be there for myself?"

He stared at my shiny eyes with a genuine smile of sympathy and pulled my head onto his shoulder. His bottom lip brushed my forehead and it sent a sudden and surprising flame through my body, I didn't know where it came from. I lifted my head to look closely at his eyes and he looked back at mine. I guess we'd gotten too comfortable.

"Let me walk you home." he said quietly and getting up. But I didn't want to leave; it was too comforting to be with someone else who felt the same disillusionment as I did.

"No need, I live in Yokohama, Kanagawa Prefecture in West Kanto now. It takes about fifty minutes to get there by train. Mom's the only one working now so we can't afford to live here in Tokyo."

"Oh, I wasn't aware that you and your mother left your childhood home." He said.

"Yeah, we were told to move for our own safety as well, so we don't continue to get targeted by the anti-Kira groups."

"Oh yeah I forgot about that"

"Lucky you..." I whispered.

He stopped to look at me.

"Sayu, I-

"Forget it" I dismissed with a wave of my hand.

"Before you go, I want to take you somewhere else. A park near here" he said to soften the sharp air between us. He'd held my hand once again. I tried to keep my face blank as he steered me away, but my hands and face felt warm in the stingy winter air. We stopped at a popular kids' playground. We both took in the joyous kids playing about innocently.

"Here we are, even though this is a kid's park. Sayu, I want you to remember this feeling. Standing here, both of us feel pretty shitty about our lives right now, but one day we're going to come back here and when we do, we're going to be bursting with joy and laughter without a care in the world just like these kids and remember this very moment and how far we've come. Until that time, we're not allowed to come here. Got it?" he asked. I nodded my head in his full command.

"Look at us. We're pathetic. But I guess it is a good strategy for motivation. I do envy these kids and the simplicity and carefree lives." I admitted.

"Yeah I know...drugs would be a quicker method though." he said simply.

"What the-Matsuda!" I smiled slightly.

"What? We happen to do a lot of confiscating at the police force so...I'm just kidding" he smiled back and nudging me with his elbow.

"Thanks Matsuda, I haven't had a laugh in a long time."

"Call me Touta, and I wasn't actually trying to make you laugh," he said but changed his mind after seeing my smile grow, "But I'm glad I did. It's been a while since I've seen a genuine smile. See you tomorrow."

"Can't wait Touta." I slipped out.

I got onto the train feeling somehow jolly and springy when waving at Matsuda who gave me a two finger salute from his temple, I already knew that I couldn't wait to see him again the next day. I breathed a sigh as an unanticipated smile appeared on my face. Why was I smiling? Why was I thinking about counting the hours until I saw Matsu-or Touta rather?

Using his first name felt so liberating or perhaps, _naughty_ since it was uncultured to refer to seniors by first name. No, it felt naughty because my stomach was fluttering as I couldn't stop thinking about a man who was over ten years older than me who was my father's colleague. But I couldn't help it; today was the first time in a million years that I had received any kind of affection from someone else-it was a basic human need that no one could live healthily without and it was addictive.

I curled my lips to stop myself from beaming. It's not like he was a bad catch, I mean if only he were younger like I'd said before, _if only he were younger_. Wouldn't it be totes awkward if I dated my dad's colleague? Wait, was I thinking about dating now?

I couldn't believe it; amidst everything happening to me, I couldn't believe that I was actually totally and inappropriately falling in love with crazy weird Matsuda.

* * *

Again I felt my heart palpitating when seeing his familiar unkempt hair and sweet smile when we met together for the next family registered on the Never Again Campaign's psychological support group roster. The house was located in the affluent estate in Ginza were larger properties were completed with large wooden doors, high hedges and traditional Japanese gardens.

After ringing the doorbell, a round woman wearing an expensive mint green coat answered for us and once we explained who we were, ushered us into her palatial home and introduced herself as Hiromi and her daughter Hitomi sitting on the imperial looking furniture.

"We lost my mom's foreign boyfriend and my half-brother Kazuya," said daughter Hitomi giving her mother a vicious side eye of pure spite. "He was my half-brother, see we were fathered by two different men. First mom left my father then hooked up with Kazuya father, before taking his divorce money then she got herself a foreign boyfriend. Two children three men." she spat out quickly.

Hitomi seemed to mistake our visit with a venting session to expunge all her frustrations of her mother out, and I realised, to embarrass and humiliate her mother Hiromi-san.

"Watch your manners!" snapped her mother Hiromi.

"What? It's not my fault you can't keep your legs closed."

There was no time for me to react to the sheer disrespect when a loud clap smacked the air as Hiromi-chan's hand smoothed across her daughters face.

"Anyway," said Hitomi clutching her burning cheek mouth slightly agape. "My half-brother was found guilty for money laundering and corruption with a few higher up politicians. Next thing he dies of a heart attack as a healthy twenty seven year old. Fell off the roof of a building too...he was the only one in this family who got me. He didn't deserve that."

"And Mr Jeremy Fitzpatrick, the American man you were seeing?" asked Matsuda to the mother. From the corner of my eye, I noticed the daughter shift uncomfortably.

Hiromi-san didn't look like she was ever going to speak but her loudmouthed daughter took the initiative.

"We don't know why he was killed actually. He was just a Californian teaching English at Tokyo International prep school. "

"Really? You think he was killed for nothing? Because he died of an undue heart attack on the same day as your half-brother. Is it possible that they could've been working together on the money laundering and corruption? Also, many people were killed for rallying against or opposing Kira's ideals."

"No," she said sternly "He wouldn't do anything illegal or he'd risk revoking his working visa. Also he didn't know enough about Japan to get into any kind of anti-Kira political movements. He was just a humble teacher caught in the crossfire." she moaned sincerely speaking in his defence.

Her mother, Hiromi-chan was looking away, gazing hard and intently at the wall like I used to do. There was a moment's pause when Hiromi-chan began talking randomly.

"I have a friend," she began never taking her eyes off the opposite wall or blinking for that matter, "Who works at the biggest technology company here in Japan and one of the biggest and most well known in the world, so naturally she was a brilliant computer hacker."

The last line she'd said had stirred up a curious tension as to what she was going to say. I took a hard swallow as Matsuda stared her down. Her daughter Hitomi appeared to hold her breath.

"So, when my son Kazuya was taken away for his corporate crimes, I knew what would happen, I knew he would be killed by Kira," she said still never blinking and allowing a tear to slide down her cheek. Hitomi was stiff.

"Jeremy hadn't done any crimes of course but I gave his name and picture to my computer hacker friend to plant and forge his files in the prison records, making him look like he was a legitimate criminal. That way he would also be found by Kira..."

Hitomi gave an involuntary loud gasp and clapped her hands to cover her mouth in shock. Then the room when quieter than it was possible. We all stopped breathing. Hiromi-chan never looked up or at us but stared at the wall looking slightly dazed and teary eyed.

"You orchestrated his murder purposefully?" asked Matsuda in full cop mode and finally breaking the silence, after all it somewhat made her a criminal having placed a murderer in his path.

Hiromi-chan nodded her head.

"Why, if he did nothing wrong?" asked Matsuda.

"I never said he _didn't_ do anything wrong," she said through clenched teeth finally looking up challengingly at Matsuda, eyes narrowed and staring from the brim of her eyes.

"I was vengeful when I gave him up to that psychopathic serial killer. What else was I supposed to do when I found out he, Jeremy, was sleeping with my daughter? What else was I supposed to do when checking the security footage and seeing Jeremy, my partner's head buried deep inside my slutty daughter's underwear-less skirt in my house. And that was only the first video. Your spoiled ass forgot that I had security cameras installed in the house Hitomi, and I know you made Kazuya promise never to tell me."

The choking atmosphere suddenly became unbreathable. Hitomi immediately stiffened and pushed her body back into the couch, she was shaking in embarrassment. Her mouth tried to move but a tear slipped through her eyelids never daring to look anyone's way. Matsuda and I exchanged wide eyed mouth agaped scandalised stares.

"He loved me and only me. He was the only one who ever loved me! Besides he was half your age!" Hitomi screamed at her mother.

"But he was still old enough to be your father!"

My mouth hung further open and I couldn't help but look over to Matsuda who clenched his mouth shut. I couldn't believe it; he was actually amused at all the drama unfolding.

"Yeah you would know, having gone through the gauntlet of men of all ages! Officer, she wilfully gave up an innocent man to a serial killer, shouldn't she be arrested?" asked daughter Hitomi.

"Not anymore, we can't arrest people for helping Kira anymore. The limitations date is past. If I'd found out about this when we were still making arrests after his exposure, then I would've done so"

"Pathetic! There is no such thing is justice! And you," she yelled pointing at her mother, "killing an innocent man out of jealousy and revenge, its' so like you!"

Hitomi stormed off into another area of the house leaving an awkward silence in her wake, made more awkward by Matsuda about to open the irreversible gates of shameless laughter. I didn't even know what the appropriate feeling was supposed to be.

"Hiromi-chan, erm, we will let you know about your evaluation and will make sure the Never Again Campaign provide you and your daughter with the appropriate counselling. Thank yo for your time" I said jumping up ready to leave.

The second we left all restraint of my community service supervisor burst out laughing.

"Matsuda! How can you laugh at them?"

"Both of those women are crazy narcissists. They both need to sort out their resentment for each other. And as for the unfortunate Jeremy fellow, he had it coming to him, messing with a gold digger and her bratty daughter. Ah man, what a laugh. This is one of the only times reality was better than TV."

I shook my head at him begging myself not to laugh. Clearly he'd taken the hints from the previous week and took the initiative to wrap his arm around my waist. It didn't go unappreciated by me; I loved it, it was the way in which he touched me. Ever so gentle but with grip, with purpose. I knew he liked doing that.

"I guess the whole Kira massacre penetrated every society in Japan. Both rich and poor were affected. I also think it might do those two good to get out of their own selves and join the support group of other families of Kira victims." I said.

Me and my trusted loyal partner or rather supervising officer Touta had gone through most of the people who I'd been assigned to for the Never Again Campaign and Touta had been counting the hours. One Saturday though we found ourselves at the home of a woman and her two children, one teenage girl and a young bedridden ailing boy in his pyjamas and connected to a breathing tube through his nose and her story was the kind I had hoped to avoid.

"These weren't just nameless faceless bloodthirsty criminals. They were people too. He was my everything, Kenichi." the woman told.

"So how did this all start?" I had asked her.

"My son has a chronic medical condition which requires expensive and extensive medical care. The pressure finally made my husband snap when our medical aid couldn't keep up with his healthcare bills. He was such a great father; I told our son that he's away on work. It's been two years, how will I keep up this lie?" she cried. "How will I tell him that his loving, faithful, honest father was taken away?"

"I just wish I could've had even a minute with the serial killer Kira and pleaded his case, made Kira realise that no matter how big or small a crime is...we are all sinners. All of us." her eldest daughter stroked her back as she wept.

"Are you being compensated for loss of income?" I choked in guilt.

"No. There was no way to prove that he was made to kill himself by Kira, but I know he was, he would never do this to himself. He would never shoot himself when wanting to return the handbag he'd stolen"

"How has that affected you financially?"

"I'm a housewife so he was the only source of income. My daughter Akiko here had to drop out of university and as I've said before my youngest son has a chronic condition and needs constant medical care. I can't let him die like this. We have no support, nothing; even the council has outcast us because they think my husband was a criminal. The worst thing about this is all of this mess was because of a handbag, a small stupid handbag that my husband was going to return in guilt."

"Thank you for your time, we'll be in touch." said Matsuda.

The minute I escaped from the house of the woman I fast walked up the suburban street as fast as I could. Matsuda quickened his pace to catch up to me.

"Sayu, Sayu, wait," he tried as he caught up to me. But I didn't want to see or speak to anyone; I lowered my head trying to hold back my stinging eyes. He caught my arm and spun me around but I couldn't look at him. I shook my head blinking away tears when he wrapped his frozen hands around me and pulled my head into his chest. I cried softly in his embrace.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." he whispered in my ears.

I'd never felt so powerless. "We have to helpthem Touta, please."

"We will. I think I may have known who her husband was. It was around the time Kira shifted his focus on people doing petty crimes, but she'll be okay."

* * *

The next week, I noticed that Matsuda was being uncharacteristically quiet and jumpy when I walked into his office and told him of the next family to visit which I was surprised had signed on for the campaign's psychological support group. It was just what I had been hoping for.

"This is going to my most challenging situation yet but I'm so ready to make amends and understand why Yuko Takada hates me so much. I'm itching to know how she was affected by all this. Let's go" I said walking out of his office.

"Just wait" he said taking my arm and gently pulling me back.

"What is it Matsuda?" I asked. He looked above my head at the door of his office deep in thought. I could see from the disturbed look in his eyes that he knew something particularly important about this case. The secret to why Yuko hated me so.

"Matsuda-

"Listen Sayu, I don't think we should be approaching the Takada family" he said bluntly.

"Why? What is it that you know?"

He just shook his head at me and bit his bottom lip apprehensively. "It's complicated, very complicated in this case and I've been sworn to secrecy. It's no wonder you don't know, you said you stopped watching the news."

I walked straight up to him sitting on his desk and stared straight into his onyx eyes. Somewhere underneath my belly, a couple of butterflies were released being this close to him.

"In this situation, I can't be the naïve little girl who needs to be protected from detrimental information with this family. Yuko hates me too much for me to ignore her. " I whispered.

He tried to break away from my gaze but I kept his head fixated on me. Finally he caved.

"That girl Yuko, she had an older sister," he began to which I nodded in acknowledgement having heard her name mentioned by Yuko that day I'd assaulted her.

"Kiyomi or something like that?" I asked to which he nodded.

"Well, she erm, not only was she a Kira supporter but she was his spokesperson."

"What? Spokesperson? For what?" I gasped.

"Two years ago when she was still alive working as a news anchor, she decided to be the spokesperson for Kira. On one of our assignments she even acted as our go between to communicate with Kira's proxy because she was the only person who had access to him."

My mouth hung wide open the entire time he talked.

"The thing is, she was in cahoots with both Kira's and during our investigation we found out that she'd even killed someone using a piece of the Death Note. In the end she was both a victim and a perpetrator. Now don't tell anyone this, its highly classified information"

"But if she was on the news then shouldn't everyone know?" I asked.

"They know that she was a spokesperson for Kira but nothing else. Not even her family knows that she was involved too."

"I'm confused... why? Why would she do that?"

It took Matsuda a few seconds to think about his definitive answer.

"She was in love with him. Your brother. They'd dated in college and she must've found out about who he was and later decided to join him because she still had feelings for him, not to mention Takada had a strong conviction for Kira's ideals."

"Then how did she die if she was working with-them?"

Matsuda walked over to his shelf and took out a file of old newspaper clippings then took one out for me, slapping it on his desk. I read the headline.

'Beloved news anchor dies in fire after kidnapping'

I studied the picture of the woman on the left; she looked just like Yuko but with short dark pixie hair and dazzling eyes. But the picture to the right was absolutely horrifying. It showed a delivery truck nestled inside the corridor of what looked like an abandoned derelict church. Every exit of the broken building had plumes of fire raging out of it.

"_My God_, she was caught in _this" _I breathed_. _

Matsuda dared look me in the eyes. I could see the bubbling of something ominous in his lit up eyes. His fire was burning him inside.

"Our forensic investigation team along with the fire department found that the truck hadn't crashed and burst into flames as news media reported. It spontaneously combusted. Two bodies were found in the blaze, hers and a mobster who had kidnapped her-

-The same man who kidnapped me?"

He didn't answer.

"He'd died of a heart attack prior to the fire. Also before the fire, I remember your brother talking to kiyomi on the phone like he was having an everyday conversation while lying to us at the same time. He manipulated her, took advantage of her love for him! _Bastard_." he spat.

Matsuda pinched the bridge of his nose and scrunched up his eyes, shaking his head looking sickened and haunted. As for me, my filtering process was working overtime. I just couldn't believe that someone I had known my whole life as a role model and big brother could commit to the highest level of cruelty and torture. No, it was an accident; the truck had burst into flames on impact when it crashed into the church, that's it. It had to be.

"You're wrong. He couldn't've done this! He's not a demon. It wasn't him!" I continued shaking my head in denial of the damning accusations when Matsuda cupped my head to speak to me.

"Listen Sayu, I know what you're going through because I went through it too. But it only makes moving on more difficult. The sooner and the quicker you come to acceptance that your brother was a sick murderer; the easier it will be to move on-

"Shut up Matsuda, you don't know him; I've known him my whole life whereas you'd only known him for a few years. He's not like this, he is selfless, hardworking, has empathy for other people!" I yelled.

"But he was also a self-righteous, heartless, narcissist with an overwhelming superiority complex, he was just too good at hiding that side of himself from us, and he had the textbook symptoms of psychopathic behaviour!" he yelled back, "And who is _he?_ That's another mechanism you're using to keep yourself in denial by not saying his name! You're refusing to acknowledge in your mind that Light Yagami was, is Kira-

My hands flew to my ears as I tried backing away and making a run for it but Matsuda pulled my arms away from my ears and stared me down holding me tightly.

"Sayu honey, I know what you're going through; it was identified by my therapist in me too. Cognitive dissonance. The reason you don't want to accept all this is because it conflicts with the happy and proud ideas of your brother and that somehow acceptance of him being psychopathic serial killer with no regard for human life will mean that you have to let go of all those good guy ideals you have of him." he cried with the dark circles under his eyes more pronounced.

"No, please let go of me!" I cried.

"You have to accept how evil he was! He mercilessly brought your father to his death, _my mentor_ Souichiro his own father, your father." he hammered while shaking me with his eyes slightly bulging mad.

I screamed and screwed my eyes up under his attack.

When he let go of me, fearing that he might attract the attention of other officers, I seized the opportunity to escape from him and his truth.


	5. Chapter 5: Lift The Veil

_Dr A Murakami: (Click, tape recording. Day 25) "How do you feel when people refer to your brother as being evil, the same as 'Hitler', reviled and hated, then on the other side also revered him as a real god or lord by his supporters?" _

_Sayu Yagami: "It doesn't really matter to me actually. No one in this world will ever know him like I, like we, his family did. People talk about him like they know everything about him. All information is on search engines and news media. But they're only seeing the one side of the story."_

**Chapter 5: Lift the Veil**

At home in my room, I tried concentrating on a fly attacking a bug on the ceiling as a feeble attempt to distract me, even from the incessant ringing of my phone. But no matter how hard I tried to watch the fly-bug movie above or ignore Matsuda's calls, nothing could deter my mind away from the horror of what I had seen. In my eyes the fly, bug, everything was on fire. I was at war with my thoughts assaulting my head.

_That woman, what did she die for?_

I didn't want to believe it but that picture couldn't be ignored. Yuko Takada had every reason to hate me or anyone bearing my name. She needed a living target just like Haruna at the Bass'mento Room to take out all their anger at injustice and I was the closest thing to Kira. My mind was finally calming its own storm, I had to consider it. Maybe they were all correct. Maybe the person I thought I knew wasn't who he said he was. My brother would never set a woman who loved him on fire. I had to take myself back to remember if I had missed any signs that something was wrong with Light. I took myself back to the last time I'd seen him two years ago.

_20th January 2013_

_My arm was around my lugubrious mother's black kimono clad shoulders; we held each other as we grieved. Our world was broken. _

_I mournfully watched members of the police force, my family and my suit and tie brother carry the casket down to the temple, with my brother's hair over his blank face to cover up the emotion in his eyes. Light never wanted to be seen as weak nor did he ever accept losing. For the past week I had tried contacting him incessantly but he never answered and had just avoided my mother and me. He was probably in so much pain that he wanted to stay away from us, never wanting to omit to failing us and our dad, shouldering the blame of dad's death, as they were working on the Kira investigation team together after all. If that was his way of dealing with dad's death then it was fine by me but honestly, I just wanted to see him safe and for him to comfort me, to be my protector, now that dad was gone. _

_After the police force did their salute and my father's funeral was over, I saw the best opportunity to talk to my brother. I found him hurriedly stalking away as fast as he could, trying to get away from everyone and I had to break into a run just to get alongside him. _

"_Light, wait, where are you going so fast? Hey Light? Light? Are you listening to me?" _

_He didn't stop to look at me nor did he slow down his fast walking pace. I had to get in front of him to stop him walking away. Even then he didn't even look straight at me but out into the distance. His entire face was blank and unreadable and his eyes narrowed. _

"_Light? What's wrong with you? Where are you going?" I cried. _

"_Back to work, I've been contacted by someone called 'N'" he said more to himself and still not looking at me. I had no idea what he was talking about but could see his mind was somewhere else. _

"_Why haven't you come to see us? Why the hell do mom and I have to wait for dad's funeral to see you again? I've tried calling you multiple times!" _

"_I've been busy, Sayu you know that." _

"_But you're being too distant and cold."_

"_I have to be, I'm working on the Kira investigation and if you get kidnapped again, there's no guarantee that I'll save you. I wouldn't wanna have to sacrifice so much to save your ass again." he said through gritted teeth. _

"_Light. Stop it please," I begged, feeling emotionally drained. "Dad is dead! And mom and I wanted to contact you so we could ask you to remove yourself from the investigation team, it's too dangerous. Look at what happened to dad." _

"_No, Dad died because he got in the way and couldn't finish the job like he was supposed to!" he spat. _

"_Light! What's gotten into you?" I cried. _

_He didn't respond but looked away still. I stared into his eyes, the light of the day made them appear a reddish-brown. He tried to side step me to walk away, so I hugged him to prevent his departure. I could feel it immediately that something was off. It just didn't feel like the same comfort anymore. He was stiff and didn't so much as place a hand on me. I figured that Light had shut down all his emotions so he wouldn't feel grief of losing our father. _

"_I've got to get back to work" he said removing himself from my embrace and stormed off. _

"_You don't even want to talk to mom first?" _

_He completely ignored me and continued to walk away with no other word or explanation. _

_My eyes had not yet had time to dry when I made my way back to my mother and lied to her that I'd not had the chance to see Light before he disappeared. My mother held me and rocked me, that's when I knew she was going to be my only source of strength... _

In retrospect, thinking about that day, my father's funeral, and the way Light had behaved, it somehow made sense. And to think that I had thought his cold behaviour was due to his overwhelming grief of losing our father, guilt and closing himself off, when it might've been because of something more sinister, because he was _something else_ in pretend mode. I rolled off my bed and walked into the small living room.

It was the usual quiet evening as mom and I sat and ate in silence. We hadn't had a proper conversation in years, lest not about what happened. But once again, the picture of Kiyomi was imprinted in my mind and the disbelief that any human being with my blood could be that cruel to someone who loved them, and pretended to love them back. It's unforgivable. I watched my mother eating silently.

"Mama," I started quietly and slowly, "What do you remember about..._him_?"

She didn't need any more of a hint to realise who I was talking about and that the time had finally come to talk about him. My mom Sachiko first gave me an apprehensive look but eventually set her utensils down to think.

"Smart. Hardworking. Diligent. Had a big heart." she said with a strong resolve.

I shivered at her poor choice of words and got up. "So you refuse to believe that he did what everyone has said?"

"I don't know what everyone has said. He is my son and came from my womb, nothing can ever change that. I don't know the 'other' him they're talking about because I've never met that 'other' him. Light was my little boy, that's all he was, all he'll ever be, my boy."

* * *

The next day I once again walked down the street I'd recognised my whole life and again it didn't conjure any memories of my life before. I rang the doorbell and felt the compulsion to run away like I always did but my sense of purpose was stronger now. It rooted me to the spot as a woman opened the door and gave me a genuine smile.

"Good morning, may I help you?" she beamed which left me taken aback at first, but her undeniable kindness resonated outward and it gave me the confidence I needed to carry on.

"Hello, I erm, I was wondering if you would allow me a few minutes inside your home. See, I used to live here with my family."

"Sure. We've been waiting for you now for two years." she said as a young child toddled around her feet.

"What do you mean? Do you know me?"

"Well, someone's been ringing our doorbell every now and then before disappearing. I've had a feeling that it was one of its previous occupants, knowing the history of the house when my husband bought it. Come inside." she said graciously and lifting the child in her arms.

There was no turning back now. I was about to step back into my childhood home, back into a different unreachable time. My heart was aching. It still felt surreal somehow that once upon a time my mom, dad and I would be standing by the front door waiting for Light to return home to show us his outstanding exam scores.

I walked in slowly.

The living room was completely different from how it had previously been, as a myriad of decorative paintings and scary looking masks lined the walls, giving the room an art gallery type feel, but the arrangement of the furniture was still similar.

"My husband has a penchant for collecting masks of yokai from mythology and paintings of the scenic countryside. Sorry if they're barring any memories of your time here."

I shook my head at her not exactly fazed by the décor, but it did help me accept that the home was no longer a Yagami home.

"I did have a feeling that the person ringing the doorbell might want to come back so I did leave one thing left untouched for you. You can go upstairs and see it."

I slowly glided up the stairs like I hadn't missed a day out of the house. My feet stopped me at the top of the stairs.

Yellow 'Do Not Cross' tape was still strewn across the walls to the closed off room. I remembered, mom and I dared not go in his room when the bustling police came in and out to search the house in his room during the post Kira investigation. I hadn't been in his room for years even when he'd eventually moved out after college.

A break in the clouds outside allowed the sun and light to shine through the window outside my brother's room and beam to the door. I stepped closer to the door pushing aside the yellow tape and noticing a small white piece of paper sticking out of the bottom. I had no idea what it was about or what was written on it and didn't intend to find out.

The doorknob jammed slightly as I pulled the lever down, but with a quick tug of my arm, it slid all the way down and I was able to open the door. Here we go.

The room was warm and stuffy. A fine film of dust blanketed most of the surfaces, the desk, lamp, computer and even the empty apple fruit bowl. My heavy feet sounded like stomps on the wooden floor as I walked further inside stretching my hand out so my fingertips could lightly graze everything. I smiled to myself; nothing had been touched even after the police had neatened everything when they finally left.

Even after all these years, his presence was hanging in the air like he was about to sit me on his lap to help me finish my dreaded math homework.

"Light-o, onii-chan," I sang delightfully out loud in the empty room, unable to resist, "What is it Sayu?" I answered back to myself aloud, mimicking my brother in his soft and kind voice.

"I need help with my quadratic functions, sorry to disturb your studying. Thank you." I replied with a silly laugh and realising my eyes would not remain dry after all; it was too much fun though.

I walked over to his closet and opened it. Tears welled up in my eyes as I pulled all his clothing together by their hangers and hugged them all into my arms. His scent was potent in his clothing. Something compelled me to button on his formal white shirt, red tie and dusty brown blazer that made up his high school uniform and I went to the mirror.

I let out an involuntary quick scream. He was standing in front of me.

Even with my dyed blonde hair, I looked too much like him wearing his uniform. My dry throat developed a lump inside. In the mirror, I saw his same big winged-shaped soft brown eyes with a hint of red from the light passing through the curtain, in my own eyes. I saw his same smooth handsome jawline, pale skin, high cheekbones, thin eyebrows, short neck, small upper lip, attached earlobes...all in my face."

It came before I could stop it. Seeing him in my reflection so vividly made me cry out. My fingertips smoothed over the glass of the mirror before I collapsed onto his bed fully clothed in his school uniform. It was so comfy and I felt at ease as the warm stuffy haze and my tears created a mellow sleepy ambience, so my hands pulled the blankets around me and my head lay on his pillow.

I didn't feel myself drifting away...

_The rain was crashing onto the window when I pushed the door and entered. Something sharp was in my hand when I entered his room soaking wet and breathing hard. His back was turned away from me as he stared out the window. _

"_How could you! They said it was you! You're not the person I knew as my brother! As my blood! You're a murderer!" _

_He turned around and I saw his bright brown eyes that were just like mine. But a sadistic smile etched on his face made me shiver. A smile that I'd never seen before. Then his smile faded as his eyes turned a bright red spooky glow as he came towards me. I swung the knife behind my back as he ran towards me and I screamed..._

My heart jolted as I woke up half an hour later than I'd arrived at the house. My eyes were hazy and I felt disorientated when looking around me to see a pot of tea on the floor below me probably by the housewife who'd allowed me in. But even during the dizziness, I did recall: that dream, it felt so real, as if I was really confronting him right here in this room. I looked around and focused on the light beaming through the window. Immediately I jumped out his bed and threw his uniform off me, exceedingly spooked by the dream. It was too real; it really felt like I wasn't alone somehow.

* * *

The same day, I made it to another house and rang the doorbell wanting to run away instinctively but the image of Takada Kiyomi was circling my mind again. This was my only chance to make amends and hear the story of the Takada's or I'd have to continue to live in the hell created by Yuko when I eventually go back to school. To my utter discomfort, Yuko herself answered the door with an outraged look.

"Wow, you came to my house Yagami? Not even you're that masochistic as to come see me" she said.

"Yuko, I'm here on behalf of the Never Again Campaign that you signed on for group support, and ask if you would allow me to speak to you and your family, please. I beg you to give me a chance to make amends."

"Go fuck yourself then your mother" she said simply holding on the door handle. "Wait; on the other hand…come inside," she said supressing a dicey glance at me. I followed her inside and conceded to her hatred even if I had the suspicion she was up to something, there was no winning with her unless I at least tried.

"Mom, dad, this is her. Sayu Yagami" she said to which I gave them all a low bow.

Her mother looked at me with unreadable eyes for a long time and said nothing, whereas Yuko's father continued to sit on the couch with his head hung low and a drink in his hand.

"Come this way, to my sister's room" said Yuko pulling me along upstairs and never waiting for a response. In her sister's room, she sat me on the bed and gave me a fake smile.

"Do want to tell me anything about Kiyomi?" I asked.

"C'mon, you know what it's like having an older sibling who is the academic star in your parent's eyes, the star pupil...but honestly she was my only best friend for the longest time, since we were children. We had a strong sisterhood but when she started working on that blasted news station and became Kira's spokesperson, we begged her to stop. But she stopped talking to us completely, never returned our calls, and said we didn't know what true justice was so we were unworthy. That's when I knew we'd lost her forever. She was too indoctrinated by your brother's ideals, too in love to question him and Kiyomi was smart, so if she didn't know that she was being used, then he was too good at his dirty game."

"Yuko I'm so sorry" I whispered. When she shrugged I asked, "How do you know that she was killed by Kira?"

"We received an anonymous Japanese typed letter from an American who'd been involved in the Kira investigation who was willing to break the law by informing us how Kiyomi was killed because they believed it was 'justice'. The letter said it couldn't go into great detail but during the forensic investigation after Light Yagami's death, they found evidence that he'd killed her using something later found in a hidden compartment of his watch or whatever, I don't remember or care. Your brother killed her and that's all I care about. In fact let me bring the letter to you. Stay here." she said getting up and leaving me alone to explore Kiyomi's room.

Takada Kiyomi's childhood room was still clean; books lined the shelf along with many picture frames of friends, family, childhood birthdays and her winning numerous academic trophies.

"You know if not for da hair, you look jus' like him." came someone from behind. I was so focused on the pictures that I got a startle. It was Kiyomi and Yuko's father, he reeked of booze and was carrying a bottle in his hand and I noticed he was swaying and slurring slightly. He looked at me with dark eyes and a dull drunken smile. I didn't respond because I didn't know what to say to him. He was the man who supposedly hated us Yagami's the most for taking his best daughter away.

"Yup, just like him, I seen him everywhere, the news, documentaries, 'Kira is Justice' Websites, I have his image implanted into my mind...the man who destroyed my princess, my precious angel, my pride and joy away from me, boom! In a blast of fire," he slurred and tipped.

The drunken man made me feel uneasy like I was being hounded or interrogated. He came up so close to me that I could see all the faded streaks of colour of his knitted sweater and see the grey hairs on his beard and coming out of his chin. I backed up slowly looking at the floor and feeling very uncomfortable.

"Kiyomi lef' us for tha' monsta, I know, I'm her father. And den, another Yagami, you, hit my _other girl _at skool!" he said spreading his hands out foolishly in a drunken stupor. He took another swig of his drink, splashing some of it on me. I immediately squirmed and backed away from him feeling threatened.

To my relief, the door flew open and Yuko walked inside. Her father immediately lost his balance and tipped over. I hung my head in humiliation wanting nothing more than to run away. Yuko took in the situation looking satisfied, when her mother walked in behind her. I fell to my knees then pressed my torso on the ground.

"Takada family, I humble myself to all of you asking for your forgiveness on behalf of my kin for the cruelty he showed your daughter." I pleaded still pressed to the ground in a bow.

"Sayu, I think that it's best if you leave." came Yuko's mother after a momentary silence as she walked in to help her husband up.

I also got up feeling defeated in failure and hopelessness that the Takada family would never give me a chance. I was about to walk out of Kiyomi's childhood room when Yuko's mother gently tugged on her husband's arm to help him up, only for him to take a swing at his wife's face with the beer bottle in his hand.

"Ge'roff me bitch," He yelled slapping her and breaking the glass bottle over her head with a sickening crash, "Can't ev'n gimme a son, then you ma'e them take my darlin' daught'r away" he slurred. His wife fell against the closet and held her bleeding face.

Suddenly, Kiyomi and Yuko's father broke. He just spilled the floodgates and wept on the floor into his large hands without holding back. I'd never seen a grown man cry, weep and let go the way he did. I was too shocked to move then. But the ever broken and numb to the situation Yuko whispered in my ear.

"See, this is what you've created. You and that brother of yours. Created things that cannot be fixed. You see now for yourself the man my father has become, unable to cope. Now you know our story, take it and your sorry self, back to that campaign."

I ran out never looking back just to be reminded that there was no comfort for me at home. With an overwhelming feeling of guilt and shock, I thought of only one other place I could go.

* * *

Matsuda opened the door for me looking both shocked and relieved.

"Sayu! How did you find out where I live-?"

I didn't respond but stared up at him like a wounded puppy. He let me into his slightly cluttered yet plain one room apartment and I threw myself onto his couch as he sat next to me.

"I failed and I'm so embarrassed and shocked. You were right; I shouldn't've visited the Takada family. I don't know if the Never Again Campaign can help them."

"Sayu, you can only do so much, the rest is up to them if they want to heal. You can't force them to forgive you." he whispered in my ear.

I gazed at his sincere eyes and his lips so close to mine but this time, they came together. After a few glorious seconds, I protested when I felt him drawing back.

"No don't stop, I need some comforting. Stay with me." I whined.

"Should we be doing this? I am still your supervising officer after all, we're still a mess and…you're still Souichiro's little girl."

My mind quickly scrambled to find a way of keeping his interest so I placed his hands on my chest. His eyes grew wide with surprise at my sudden erotic move.

"Touta, look at me, feel me. Do I still remind you of Souichiro's little girl?"

"Well if you put it in _that_ way-

He kissed me again and more intensely much to my sweet pleasure. After all I'd been through that day, I needed intimate comfort. That night, I saw him in a different light, not as my father's older colleague but as a man I was in love with, a man who shared his bed with me. We both looked up, staring at the white ceiling but never seeing it, like we were in a trance like state. Matsuda moved his thin hairy legs to rise and fall down below my tiny bottom like shifting gears in a car as I lay on top of him as he thrust his pelvis into me from behind. It was difficult to do anything more at that moment as the car underneath me sped faster. I couldn't keep my eyes open when hands turned my head sideways.

"No, don't look away from me. I want to remember the look in your eyes when you come" he breathed. My eyes were locked onto his as he commanded. I grabbed onto his legs for dear life as my chest heaved in small rapid sighs and gasps until the sensational spell from nowhere knocked me and my senses into oblivion.

An hour later, I rested and nestled my head on his skinny pale chest. He wrapped his arm around me and kissed my forehead, I smiled up at him. He combed my soft hair with his fingers.

"Okay so, I'm going to hell for sleeping with my boss's daughter, even after he and your mother expressed their extreme disapproval of you being with a cop. This is turning into a television sitcom. If your father were here, he'd say '_Matsuda_!' in the tone that he always did." he said smacking his forehead with his palm in mock stupidity.

"Matsuda, I'm a grown ass woman now and you've just witnessed it so stop whining and recognise." I said smirking devilishly at him to which he kissed my mammilla playfully.

As fun as it was fooling around with Touta, the incident with the Takada family had hardened me. It had changed my stance towards everything. A family so broken by someone I'd known and loved was too much a burden to carry.

"I can see something's on your mind. Spill it" said Matsuda seeing my pensive eyes.

"Matsuda, I wanna know everything; how it all unfolded that last day with Light. My mother and I chose not to be told when the truth came out because we were barely alive ourselves and I doubt my mother will ever want to know...but I'm ready. I'm done running away and I trust you now more than ever."

He looked away from me and I could tell he was thinking about something specific.

"Sayu I can't, I don't want you to resent me... my feelings for you won't allow it. I'm just in too deep with you now."

"No, I'm pretty sure you were in too deep with me an hour ago," I said simply. Matsuda made a disgruntled noise and rolled his eyes at me but finally gave in. He took a long sigh.

"Well, even now, I'm still reeling and trying to understand what happened that day two years ago. Firstly one of the agents working on the Kira case from overseas ousted him as being Kira. Then he tried to kill us all using the Death Note so," he hesitated for a few seconds "I shot him..."

He paused again looking at my pained face.

"I shot him several times and I _was_ going to kill him Sayu, I was spitting angry and disillusioned at how he'd played us all along after we'd trusted him so implicitly and for the death of your father, my mentor and hero. I was a bullet away from shooting him in the head at point blank range when I was stopped."

I felt my body go cold. There was a slight tremor in my knees sitting up. My mind felt dazed. I stared down hard at the blankets enclosing me and shut my mouth so that nothing would come out.

"But then, Light got away after a distraction. Eventually after following a trail of blood we found him wounded and dead, sprawled atop a rusty steel staircase. He'd died alone almost as a punishment by a real god. Also, he never succumbed to my gunshot wounds. That's why I hadn't been able to sleep properly for so many months after. I thought I'd killed him...but it wasn't me who killed him"

I was quiet for a long time. "Then how did he die if your gunshots didn't kill him?"

"Later on, autopsy reports indicated that he'd died from a heart attack."

My head shot up involuntarily with one tear escaping without permission. "I don't understand how-

"I'm not telling you anything about the Death Notebook. Nothing at all. Those of us who'd worked on the Kira case have even gone through training to withstand torture in case someone tries to get that information from us one day. So don't even try persuading me. Honestly, I just thank God every day that you, your mother, and your father never got to see the Light we saw that day..."

"_That bastard_" I cried tears sliding down my face.

"Sayu, what you must understand is that Light was just as much of a victim in all of this as all the people whose lives he ended or destroyed. He was a victim of the invisible power that the Death Notebook had given him. I mean he thought he was a god chosen specifically to cleanse this world and was in such a highly developed and complicated state of psychosis."

"I don't know what to think of him still; even after all this. Even now a voice is screaming in my head that Light was my role model, my brother and to retain those memories of him, meanwhile seeing what everyone has said and how families have been affected by him, I somehow feel that I have to forget the brother I knew and accept he was a monster. It's like I lost him twice, I lost the brother I knew _and_ I lost him to death."

Matsuda held me as I cried harder than Yuko's father, harder than at my father's funeral and rocked me back and forth.

I didn't have much feeling in my legs but they somehow carried me out of the bed. I felt Masuda's eyes following me from the back of my head. After a shower and redressing, I sat on Matsuda's lap in front of his laptop so I could watch the online news reports. Everything I had elected to miss.

"Here's the news from that day. Click on it. This broadcaster, the country's' biggest, were one of the first news media to arrive after we found Light's body. When we called in all our units a crowd was already gathering." he said.

I stared at the date that the video had recorded, a day that still haunts me because my life had gone from bad to worse. The day I lost my light.

28 January 2013

The second I clicked on the video, there was a blare of noise that came shouting out of the screen coming from an assembly line of police cars, both Japanese and foreign, forensic teams, emergency and security personnel in their own vehicles followed by three ambulance vehicles, all with their red and blue flashing lights whizzing and racing through into a fenced gate. The main reporter of the news station was barely audible standing by the wired fence and a helicopter hovering above. The camera panned the area to show police cordoning off the area with yellow tape and keeping a growing restless crowd of bystanders at bay along with the news media.

"_It's just gone seven thirty here at the Yellowbox wharf in industrial Tokyo bay where a disturbing scene has met us as we see emergency services lifting what appears to be three bodies fully covered onto stretchers and into waiting ambulances" _panted the journalist competing with the loud surroundings to be heard.

"_-Of course, an operation of this magnitude never before seen in Japan as many hope it could mean the end of a six year long manhunt for the serial killer Kira and answers to finally be revealed. _

_Kira! Kira! Kira! _

_From where I'm standing we can hear some the crowds chanting for Kira and waving 'Kira Is Justice' banners amid the grim scene. As we speak the heavy police presence is growing as the international FBI team arrive, along with members of Interpol, forensic investigators and we have received word that acting Police Chief Sekimoto will be arriving soon. So far there's been a slow trickle of information; for the hour we've been here, we've learned that police have apprehended the elusive and infamous serial killer known as Kira but we've yet to receive word that any of the three bodies is indeed Kira, as the three bodies have yet to be identified to the press. Speculation suggests a confrontation with police had ensued, but we're closely monitoring the situation until we receive official word. Back to studio_."

I felt numb. Nothing in the cruel world could prepare me for seeing the images of my brother completely covered in a body bag. It was too much. I exhaled a weary breath after watching the exhausting video. The scene was shocking to watch, all the chaos and confusion. I closed my eyes for a minute to take it all in.

"What a mess," I whispered, "What was going on inside?"

"We continued to search the area, and that's when we found Amane Misa's body, I wasn't even aware that she was there. Then our forensic team came to collect evidence, we had to seal off the area, the medics had to remove the three Kira's. Then the acting Chief of Police discussed a few things with the international FBI who had several of their agents present. You should watch the follow up video. It's the announcement to the world at an ad hoc press conference a day after we'd informed you and your mother."

30th January 2013

"_Good evening you're watching Asia News Channel Japan, I'm Rie Matsuya and this is our top headline. Acting Chief of Police Sekimoto will shortly address the media at a press conference detailing his first official statements after the death of mass murderer Kira and the Police's findings in a short report. We go live now..." _

"_Good morning ladies and gentlemen of the global press and honorary members of the FBI_. _In the two days that have passed since the discovery of three suspects since deceased, we have identified all three bodies as being the mass murderer known globally as Kira. _

_The first suspect, since deceased, was identified as twenty four year old Mr. Light Yagami, son of the late Police Chief Yagami Souichiro, who also worked on the Kira investigation team. It is believed that this was done with the intention to expunge him as a suspect and hide in plain sight. Mr Light Yagami has been identified by members of the Kira investigation as the very first and main or primary Kira." _

The scandalised audience gasped at the revelation that the son of the previous Police Chief and someone on the investigation team was Kira. A man standing next to the deputy chief lifted a picture for the audience to see and photojournalists to viciously snap at. My hand flew to my mouth as I saw the familiar picture of my older beloved brother shown on television. It was surreal. I stared at the photo of a handsome young man being presented to the journalists present and world broadcasters of my brother, vilified and hated.

"_The second Kira has been identified as Miss Misa Amane who became known as the second Kira." _

More gasps escaped the room as Amane Misa had been quite famous especially among younger audiences as a model and actress.

"_And lastly Mr Teru Mikami, a prosecutor, has been identified by the Kira investigation team as acting as a proxy for the main Kira Mr Light Yagami_.

_All three Japanese citizens identified as Kira were pronounced dead on the scene and all three deaths were recorded as a group suicide. We ask the news media to respect the wishes of the families and give them the privacy they deserve and that the press remain patient as more details will be given in future throughout the ongoing post investigation. We open the floor to any questions." _

"_Will details of how Kira was able to kill and carry out his murders without close proximity be made to the public?" asked a reporter. _

"_The details of how Kira was able to kill his victims have been classified by the United Nations Security Council for Anti-Terrorism, the International Centre for Crime Prevention and Criminal Justice and the American CIA and FBI. Any mention of the information would be against international security and law." said the acting Police Chief. _

I stopped watching the lengthy press conference.

"You guys lied to the public about how they died?" I asked Matsuda.

"Yes, we were later told by the American CIA that it would be best to tell the public that it was a group suicide to maintain state security."

"So then how did everyone find out about the Death Note?"

"How else do you think?" he said typing quickly on the world biggest search engine to pull up a news story. It read:

"_Police Chief Sekimoto has issued a statement that he strongly condemns the leaking of the picture of the Death Note by WikiLeaks and is considering taking action with international law. The leak has led to weeks of protests outside government buildings demanding the Japanese government reveal and declassify how the Death Notebook was instrumental in the mass murders and where the serial killer known as Kira and identified as Light Yagami was able to obtain the mysterious book, as members of the public feel the police have been misleading in their information, to which police have vehemently denied." _

"That leaking website leaked a picture stolen from the Japanese police given to the American CIA and news media couldn't ignore it. All it did was raise more questions on how it worked but no one had any answers, we were sworn to secrecy and the identities of those on the Kira investigation were protected, but if we were to find ourselves in a position where we were being forced to tell information, we took torture training to withstand it. Once again we had to lie to the public by stating that the Death Notebook was stored safely but truthfully the real one vanished."

"Vanished? So how can you be sure that something like this will never happen again?" I asked.

"Don't worry Sayu, I can't tell you much but I assure you that it's taken to a place no mortal will ever find it."

"Mortal? Are you suggesting it was something _supernatural_? Can't be, my brother never practised the occult." I sighed.

Matsuda shrugged and gave me a quick kiss to dismiss the topic. I didn't even know what to think. All of it was just too much to swallow but knowing now what I had chosen to miss on television made it all clear.

"This is all real isn't it? It was so easy for me to block everything out because I didn't understand the scale and magnitude of it all. Watching these news events gives a clear picture and now I understand."

* * *

The next day, Matsuda walked me to the Never Again Campaign's headquarters so I could address my concerns about the Takada family to the co-founder Komya-san about what to do about the broken family.

Last night had definitely changed the way Matsuda approached me to my happiness, he was far more easy-going and comfortable about holding me however he wanted. Being naked with someone will do that to a person.

We were walking down the street talking when...

Bang!

The loud boom made me jump but Matsuda and his police training switched to alert when the bang came our way.

"What was that?" I asked feeling startled and confused and looking around.

"I don't know," he said also scanning around before his eyes noticed something shiny on the street to which he bent down to pick it up. He surveyed it up close with his brows furrowed and I moved my head closer to see it too.

It was something small and silvery-black shaped like a cone with a blunt bottom. I had no idea what it was but I didn't have to...because Matsuda knew. His eyes grew wide with shock and he swore loudly as he looked around us again.

I didn't even have time to react. He was already screaming in my ear.

"GET DOWN!"

I felt my body flying to the ground as Matsuda rammed himself into me and enclosed my head with his arms. The asphalt street beat my body with a great thud as another loud bang exploded near us.

Blurs of people on the same road were also screaming around us. I couldn't take in the chaos quick enough.

"Let's move!" yelled Matsuda pulling me up again and shielding me with his own body.

We were running, no sprinting, faster than I ever thought possible. Not once did Matsuda let go of me or stop shielding me.

Only then did I realise that several gunshots were coming at us from all directions.


	6. Chapter 6: Galvanised

_Dr A Murakami__: (Click, tape recording day 34) you've finally and personally come to terms that your brother Light Yagami was indeed serial killer Kira. Your beloved brother, beloved son of your parents has caused pain, misery, death, horror, loss, grief, perpetual fear and the illusion of justice to millions of people? His name has is the focus of history books, television specials, conspiracy theories, debate shows where he's painted as one of the most notorious serial killers of the twenty first century as being the only civilian or non-militant to have killed more people than most dictators currently in the world. No one, especially here in Japan, will ever forget his name. _

_Sayu Yagami__: Yes. I understand that although I've never known that side of him, he was a cold blooded killer. But I feel that I never have to dwell on that side of him because I've never known that side of him, I merely have to acknowledge it. But Light Yagami was also my big brother, he was my family and my soldier and that's how I choose to remember him. He left me a legacy, an indelible mark of protection, love and siblinghood. It's like my mom once said. No matter what he did, he will always be her baby boy, her son as any mother would say. Love is inerasable even when your loved one has done wrong. What Light has proven is that we are all capable of doing wrong. _

**Chapter 6: Galvanised**

My ears felt on the brink of bursting in protest to the loud explosions and bangs popping around us. There was no time to look behind me but I did see several men sprinting out of nowhere towards us as we pushed and shoved through the densely populated crowd also scrambling away from flying bullets.

"Matsuda, who are they?" I yelled when a few whizzed and popped above my head. The only way I was able to sprint at impossible speeds was because of him half carrying me.

"No time. Jump!" he yelled at me. We jumped over a hedge separating two restaurants, but I didn't jump high enough and crashed smack bang into a menu message board of a restaurant mounted on the sidewalk along with a bike chained to a pole. The painful impact throbbed in every corner of my body and I didn't feel able to get up. That's when Matsuda single handedly threw me over his shoulders and continued running. But not for long as a loud bang below us made Matsuda stop suddenly.

He fell over dropping me, howling in pain and clutching his lower leg.

"Matsuda," I screamed. My eyes flew to his hand as he used it to plug up a bleeding wound. "You've been hit!" I cried.

"Sayu, get away," he breathed.

"I can't leave you here for them to kill you." I said as my gasps had developed into hyperventilating.

"They're not after me. Please you have to get away, the police station is just a block from here, you can make it there, just keep behind the hedges, walls, anything in your path to block you."

"But I have to run through the business district where it's just paving and no hedges." I cried feeling debilitated.

"You have to chance it, go now!"

I stumbled getting up but eventually ran never stopping, as seeing the see the police headquarters from where I was standing gave me hope but fear anchored me to stay hidden and not expose myself in the business district with nothing to cover me. I turned the corner.

A big sweaty, nasty, growling, tattooed, boorish man met my face. I let out a scream which inadvertently alerted his allies where I was. I was cornered.

My trembling knees coupled with adrenaline and fear made me dizzy. The unsmiling, snarling man spat at my feet and grabbed my neck with his python hands and stared at my face. His thick dark eyebrows showed him grimacing in uncertainty.

"Is this her? Give me that picture again!" he growled to one of the other subordinates. A rather young looking skinny young man came stumbling towards the front where I was cornered and gave his bullying superior a picture of me. I peered down at the picture hoping they had the wrong person, but I recognised the picture of me from two years ago when I still had my natural hair colour.

His eyes darted back and forth studying my face before throwing the picture in the air dramatically and smiling maliciously at me.

"Finally, Sayu Yagami. You're quite difficult to find. Luckily one of my boys spotted and recognised you coming out of the building where Akina lives, right in the heart of mobster territory."

I gasped at the idea that the thugs had actually recognised me from the house of the woman Akina with her son Yura, but it made sense since she was the girlfriend of a former mobster killed by Kira.

"What did you do to her?" I sobbed softly.

"Nothing. She's never done anything to us and her late boyfriend Shinseki was one of our boys too." he said coming closer. His stature and sheer body size seemed to grow bigger and bigger as he stepped closer to me.

His gritty breath blew over my neck and made me shiver. He touched the first button of my jeans and undid it, sticking the barrel of his gun in my pants. I cowered against the wall pushing myself backwards against it, trying to widen the gap between the mobster and my body. His sweaty, unshaven coarse skin and brittle hairs on his chin poked my cheek as he rubbed his cheeks in my hair. Then his hands felt through my hair, and shirt sleeves.

"What's with the blonde hair? Lemme guess, it's a badgal wannabe front? Huh is that it?" he said pulling me roughly into a headlock."

"Take off your pants. Another lesson rookie," he yelled over his shoulder at the unconfident young man, "She may look innocent but never underestimate people you don't know. She may just pull some hocus pocus notebook out of nowhere and we all die before we know it."

I did as instructed watching the man the whole time. He wasn't looking for exploitative sexual gratification but rather searched me as his sense of duty. My jeans were given to someone to search.

"One hundred and thirty four." he said in a deep baritone. "In the six years that Kira existed, he took out a total of one hundred and thirty four of our brethren, including my father. That's right, your bother killed our boss and since Light Yagami is not here to take the hit, we have to punish you. Light Yagami took from our family; we take from his, that's how it works. Any suggestions boys?" he said advancing towards me.

Someone from behind suddenly pulled out a katana from nowhere. My eyes widened in horror to see such a large weapon brandished in the air near me. "Chop off her arms from the elbows, or take her fingers off."

"Yeah, we haven't done that one in a while. We could also chop her into pieces and mail her parts to her other family, saying: this is from Kira!" he laughed as the rest of the group broke out into laughter.

I looked down with my lip quivering and tears refusing to fall in numb dread, I had to brace myself for the violent pain.

"No, no, shove that gun in her underwear again and pull the trigger up her pussy. It'll be the best blow job she'll ever get. Ha _blowjob! _Get it!" someone laughed nudging his fellow mobsters. The man standing in front of me seemed less than impressed at the antics of his fellows.

He turned around fully and took a shot at the group in a loud bang that made me wince, it narrowly missed the shoulder of the mobster making jokes and made the whole group stiffen.

"Shut. Up. This shit's too serious for you rejects to fuck around like clowns" he barked, but, I noticed that he finally let his guard down and had his back towards me to give his fellow crew a dressing down. It was now or never, I had to decide whether I would fight for my right to live.

I used the momentary distraction to get away but the big bully caught me too easily. His elbow rammed into my knee while his other hand gripped my foot and twisted it. I'd never felt such physical pain, it throbbed throughout every pore of my body. My tortured scream filtered onto the deserted street where no one could hear me and I was left alone to atone for my brother's sins.

As my body hit the ground again my stomach tightened by the pain and sent a pool of sick guzzling out my mouth and over the pavement.

"Fuck, it' the coppers. They're coming." yelled someone.

The entire group scrambled away but not before the police, who'd just arrived, gave chase. That's the last thing I remember before the pain and shock knocked me out and I woke up a day later in hospital.

* * *

The last time I was in hospital; I was alone, drunk, had the annoying habit of checking the time every forty seconds because of the loud ticking of the clock and was in a dark place. It was quite the transition being afraid of confronting my thoughts in the silence, but now I knew almost everything that had transpired during the Kira years thanks to Matsuda's revelation.

Also because of Matsuda, I no longer felt alone and helpless. I'd even changed my hair back to its normal brown while waiting for my plaster bandaged leg to heal here in the hospital, also asking for the whereabouts of Matsuda just to be told that he was resting after surgery to remove a bullet from his calf. But I was done waiting; I wanted to see him immediately. Having someone to love you and to love them back makes you change without realising.

I hobbled towards his room, ignoring the pain searing through my left leg. When I got to his room, he was asleep so I pulled up a chair and lay my head on his stomach listening to his peaceful heartbeat in the silence until a gentle hand stroking my hair lifted up my face. I stared into Matsuda's relieved eyes. He pulled me closer by my arms.

"Sayu, your hair, it's brown again" he whispered stroking and combing it with his fingers.

"I'm not afraid of _being myself_, confronting who I am anymore, and I don't have to hide behind a front and a fake appearance anymore. You had a lot to do with that realisation... and the mobsters were able to find me because the blonde makes me stand out in a sea of dark hair."

He kissed my hand. "Well I'm just glad that I could help in any way, and that you made it out in one piece. Thank goodness. I'd called the rest of the police after I was hit but didn't know if they'd get to you in time. I've already sent out an emergency alert of those mobsters so they'll hopefully get arrested soon."

I momentarily backed away from his bed to point at my left leg. "They did break my leg though, so I guess we'll both be hopping around on one leg for some time," I said pulling my face closer to his in an emotional kiss and his warm hand feeling up my back followed by me fondling his groin area above the sheets. Not even several knocks on the door could separate us.

Komya-san, co-founder of the Never Again Campaign entered the door before I was unable to unlock my lips from Matsuda's and we could stop touching each other in what was a very private moment. We were officially busted. An awkward silence followed before Komya-san spoke to ease the tension.

"I'm sorry to interrupt, I came to see you but a nurse told me you were in here." she said softly to me.

I stood up straight and looked away unable to face her and any judgements, as we all knew being with an officer when you're in the system was against the law

"Erm how are you doing? I heard you wanted to see me before you were shot by a mobster" asked Komya-chan.

"I'm better, and erm the reason I wanted to talk to you was about a certain family, the Takada's that I had trouble with but I've washed my hands of them for now."

"Okay well listen; there's some bad news I have to tell you both," she said softly. "What I'm about to tell you isn't easy, but it also couldn't wait for your hospital exit. The widowed woman that you two visited for the interview for financial support last Saturday called Asuna-san who had a very ill young boy with a chronic heart condition, unfortunately that boy passed this morning."

My hand flew to cover my moth in the shock and misery, Matsuda punched his bed in frustration.

"No! We were too slow, too late" I gasped wide eyed. I seized fistfuls of my hair in growing disillusionment and shock.

"The campaign's currently funding her son's funeral. We also have a fundraiser coming up that we've moved up in our schedule calendar so that we can give out the monies quicker to those who need it and can't wait." she said.

"But it doesn't change the fact that we have failed someone...I thought we were making progress, making things better. This is my fault, it should've never waited, a person that desperate shouldn't have to wait." I said shaking my head at the floor.

"Sayu, we _will_ make progress, it just takes time to see visible and tangible transformation. You need to stop blaming yourself for what happened." said Matsuda.

"The truth of the matter is that we're a growing organisation and Kira existed for six years killing people almost daily, which means the number of people affected, could reach in the millions. We can only do what we're capable of doing and unfortunately we've just begun scratching the surface." said Komya-san.

Both of their pitches sounded like easy ways out. It was just unacceptable to me.

"No, that's not good enough, both of you sound like you're making excuses. We have so many volunteers; all we need now is some creativity, some proactive way of moving things along faster...," I said when the corner of my eye caught a glimpse of Komya-san's phone clutched in her hand. I was surprised that I had not thought of it sooner,

"We're going to start a trending hashtag, the quick power of online campaigning. Komya-san would you lend me your phone since I don't have mine currently? And could you inform the rest of the volunteers to 'use our hashtag' as part of a new strategy?"

"Erm, sure, just give it back to me when you're done doing...whatever." she said handing me her phone. I felt kinda guilty for not telling her the truth of why I had to use her phone and why all my social media accounts were virtual history.

I could feel a fire burning inside me once again; it was time to be proactive and no more wasting time. Someone had lost their child on our watch, on our promise, and it was on us. I began typing furiously on the social media site for the Never Again Campaign's account.

"_We're you affected emotionally or financially by the Kira mass murders? Tell us how. _

_#JusticeNotKira..._

I handed back Komya-san her phone to email all the volunteers. Now all I had to do was wait for some kind of response...

Within the afternoon going into the evening, Komya-san and I were still by my boyfriend's hospital bedside and I had snatched his phone to witness when we began the sweeping sensation. I gasped in triumph at the eventual evidence showing up of people's testimonies.

"Look at this, it's trending, people are discussing it on social media using our hashtag," I showed Matsuda and Komya-san who didn't understand at first what they were looking at but eventually realised. I could feel the quiet energy of the country in mobilising; it felt like the world was moving again and I wasn't stuck in a hole anymore.

"All these ordinary people who weren't criminals and had their lives drastically interrupted. The people killed were not criminals but rather family who didn't even get the opportunity to prove their innocence. It's astounding, Matsuda..." I said scanning the timeline.

"_I unduly lost my dad and cousin. They were both junkies arrested. #JusticeNotKira_

_My husband was still on trial for corruption and match fixing when he was killed." #JusticeNotKira_

_Maki, my ex-boyfriend killed my then current boyfriend in a jealous rage and was arrested then killed himself. Now I've lost both of them, help. #JusticeNotKira_

_My beloved sister killed her husband in self-defence due to domestic violence and was about to be released by police when she was killed." #JusticeNotKira_

"This is to name a few. Komya-san see; we have a quicker more effective way of asking people how they've been affected by the Kira massacre. We should utilise it."

"You're right it can replace what we're doing but what cannot change are the interviews for financial help as we need proof of financial ruin or instability. Also remember what personally talking to people can do, that social media can't...and that's to get an intimate sincere connection with people and their stories that don't have to be limited to one hundred and forty kanji characters. But I think I can arrange something on the spot," she said mumbling to herself and typing. My head hovered around her phone to see what she was typing.

_Come to the support group this Thursday with Dr Kamizuka (psychologist) in Yoyogi Park #LetsTalk #JusticeNotKira_

_Yoyogi Park, group discussion on Thursday with Prof. Staddenfeldt (criminal psychology international university) #LetsTalk #KiraNotJustice_

_Kanagawa Youth Centre, support group with Dr Aoki (social sciences and psychologist) #LetsTalk #JusticeNotKira. _

* * *

When Matsuda and I were both able to leave the hospital a few days later with our mummified legs stable and painless, he promised me that we could help spread the campaign further like other able bodied volunteers were doing. I wanted the message of the campaign to be loud and clear to the public, disturb their comfortable ignorance everywhere possible. On walls, shop windows, malls and even national monuments if need be, because any controversy and outrage would simply highlight the campaign and place it on the public agenda.

"Is Komya-san not joining us for the physical campaigning?" Matsuda asked me when I got off the phone with Komya-san as he took me to a garage at the police station.

"No, all this attention we've received has prompted a television debate show to ask her to be on their show, so now she has to prepare for it." I replied but my jaw dropped when the corrugated iron doors lifted up to show off an orange Kawasaki bike gleaming with unbridled unashamed masculine bravado and ego of a bygone era, standing proud in a dusty storagehouse.

"Where did you get this sexy bike?" I gasped at its sheer magnificence.

"It belonged to the police department back in the day and hasn't been used for many years; poor thing's been hauled up in storage. Years ago, I heard in our department that it was actually used by none other than your father in the eighties." he smiled while patting the bike like a child.

"Really? It doesn't suit dad's stiff and stoic style." I said.

"Yeah well, Souichiro was a lot younger and more fun, he also was inspired by those eighties American cop and gangster TV shows all the way down to his moustache and slicked back black hair."

Laughter bubbled up from my toes up to my head in sheer delight. "You're right. When I was a little girl, I used to curl myself onto dad's lap and he'd call me _'neko'_, while he was watching all those cop shows and pull on his moustache in curiosity." I giggled at the memory.

Matsuda helped me mount on the bike as I fastened the helmet on and we were away. It was thrilling being on a bike for the first time whizzing through the traffic with Matsuda. I tightened my hands around his waist caught in the romance of the rush before we made a stop at a popular hangout where teens dressed and showcased their street subcultures in Harajuku. There was a dull big grey and surprisingly blank wall just itching for me to taint it. Once we made a stop, Matsuda helped me off the bike and went into his cop mode.

"We don't actually have permission to use this wall as advertising space so technically, it would be graffiti and illegal."

I looked at him for a while and uncorked the spray paint can. "Get out of here you demoralised cop, I'm trying to usher in a paradigm shift thought righteous activism so cover your eyes." I teased him.

He stumbled towards me, giving me a sweet kiss in his embrace which made me laugh. "I'll erm, ahem, watch out for the police." he said giving in and feeling slightly guilty.

I opened the paint can and sprayed the centre of the wall with our hashtag, '_JusticeNotKira'_ and the never Again Campaign's website before standing back to admire my work. Hundreds of trendy teens poured into hangout at the square on Sundays so hopefully it would get noticed.

Matsuda's phone buzzed and when I opened the campaign's social network account there was a short clip posted on the campaign's timeline of some volunteers involved in a flash mob doing a silly dance at a mall or a train station. It filled every pocket of my being with relief, we were finally making ground. It was time for a rude awakening for the entire population.

* * *

Just when I thought things were going great or too great, the night of Komya-san's TV debate, I noticed online that while we were trending in the whole country, another group's hashtag was emerging from the darkness as quickly as ours had come. As Komya-san, spokesperson of the Never Again Campaign was on the live debate show entitled: 'Pro-Kira vs Anti-Kira: A divided nation', I saw it, and it made my heart jump.

#LordKiraIsJustice.

By watching only a few minutes of the show, I could already tell that the audience was predominantly pro-Kira and Komya-san as collected and dignified as ever, would probably find herself swamped by the haters and way in over her head. But I knew she was a strong woman who could handle the pressure.

"_You cannot refute the facts that the world was a better place because of Kira. Are you saying that it's a bad thing that criminals finally got what they deserve when even the police couldn't bring about justice. What about when police couldn't solve crimes or took too long? Don't those crime victims deserve peace of mind?_" hammered the arguer to much applause.

"_If Kira was or is a god of justice, then why did he kill himself? How could a god kill himself? The gods cannot die because they're not bound to flesh, they are omnipotent and infinite." _said Komya-san fighting back in a more civil manner.

The arguer remained silent before thinking too hard and replying with a feeble answer.

"_There's plenty about gods that we mortals bound by our limited knowledge will never understand. What Lord Kira did was give us a gift the way the gods do. As a woman, I was no longer afraid to use public transport, no longer afraid of leaving the office at night, when crime stats showed that criminality was going down" _she sang clutching her heart with a large smile.

The Pro-Kira side of the studio audience cheered her with rapturous applause; it spooked me how they seemed to be under a kind of spell. I turned off the television, knowing a biased television debate was no way of persuading those false hope victims that Kira was not a god.

The next day I went over to the campaign's headquarters to talk to Komya-san after her bashing on live television.

"Hi Komya-san, I remembered at the hospital when you said that you're having a fundraiser in a few night's time?"

"Yeah, this time around our campaign will be hosted by an auction house who give us a percentage of their profits. Usually we do our own fundraising but this time we need emergency funds and more than what the government is providing."

"I want to address the audience at the fundraiser" I spat out robotically.

"Hmm, okay I think that'd be a good idea since you did come up with this online campaign. But can't help but wonder why you're so interested and involved in all this. I thought you were merely doing your mandatory court ordered community service hours."

I stood silent for a while. "Komya-san, when Kira was identified by police two years ago, did you watch the coverage of him and see what he looked like?"

"Of course, there wasn't a soul in Japan who didn't, besides I wanted to see the person who'd taken my mother from me for being an addict which isn't a crime. Why?"

"It's complicated, life's complicated. But you'll find out soon enough I guess." I said.

"Complicated like you sleeping with the supervising officer who's in charge of your community service kind of complicated?" she asked with an odd smile on her face.

"So it's that easy to tell huh. Please don't rat on us, I knew him before I was placed on community service and now I can't live without him. Besides my hours are almost done anyway-

"Hey, it's okay. As fellow woman, I understand. We gotta do our thing." she laughed.

* * *

Security was tight as expected on the night of the campaign's fundraiser of course. With this being an event for the families of Kira's victims and a firm anti-Kira stance, it could be a prime target for sabotage or planned attacks by pro-Kira groups. It was early evening when Matsuda and I arrived in casual clothing at the venue already crowded with people. It was fulfilling for me to see how filled the hall was with people from all walks of life, coming to support those affected by the Kira massacre.

With the auction was completed and the room abuzz with people giving generous donations from their own pockets, I couldn't help but feel self-conscious walking about the hall especially since I'd returned to my natural brown hair and could pass as an easy female resemblance of my brother.

I was walking around with my head slightly bowed when I noticed a foreign girl standing near the back of the crowd practising her Japanese language skills by talking to other people. I broke away from Matsuda's arm around my back and told him to give me a few minutes to speak to an old friend.

"Meghan? Why are you here? I thought you were a Kira supporter." I said walking up to her.

"I've been following the events for weeks leading up to today on social media from the Never Again Campaign's account and I've even attended three of the group counselling sessions in the park with the amazing Dr Aoki already, and I saw a one Yuko Takada there too because Dr Aoki later invited us for individual one-on-one sessions free of charge"

"Oh god, that's amazing news for both you and her."

She looked at me and my brown hair nodding her head. "You were right. The Never Again Campaign does help ordinary people affected and left behind irrespective of whether their family members were criminals or not. No one should have to be punished for the wrongdoings of their family members." she said giving me a knowing look.

I nodded to her, understanding her innuendo directed towards me.

"Anyway, my parents found a way to transfer me to another university back home. It means that I'll have to repeat the entire year again but so what? I can't wait to see my own family in England again."

"Well if that's what you want, then go for it; I'll see you off before you leave. See you later" I said waving at her and trying to make my way back to Matsuda in the sea of people.

While navigating my way in a beeline towards Matsuda, I accidently bumped into a rather large bulky man wearing a sharp grey suit and blazer too formal for a charity fundraiser. He recoiled then stared at me for longer than would be considered polite when I tried apologising but when Matsuda found me and a wonderfully surprised type of look on his face, I knew he knew the man.

"Mogi-san? Oh my gawd, no way, it's been too long," chimed a disbelieving Matsuda as the two men exchanged friendly handshakes.

"It has, nice to see you again," said the man called Mogi who gave me a quick side glance. "So are you still with the special investigation team?"

"No, I decided to go for a softer position dealing specifically with civilians. I just didn't have the stamina to bring myself to going back there. And you?"

"I know what you mean. My family and I live in Sapporo in Hokkaido now, and I work for the police there. Just nice to start afresh somewhere else after all that happened, you know, just psychologically healthy." he said. My eyes darted between the two before Matsuda took my hint.

"Oh, sorry, this is Mogi-san," he said introducing the man to me "We were on the same team together" he said hinting at me. When I drew my eyebrows together Matsuda looked around for any eavesdroppers and whispered in my ear. _"He was on the Kira investigation team too. He and I were the first ones to find your brother's body." _

"Oh, it's nice to meet you sir, erm," I hesitated but Matsuda gave me a nod signifying the clear that I could trust him. "I'm Sayu."

"My god, you're...you're Souichiro's daughter, it's so surreal, it's like he's standing right before me..." he gasped with Matsuda nodding his head at him in agreement.

"And I reminded you of someone else, that's why I startled you at first." I said softly. He nodded his head conceding.

"I'm sorry about that." he said. I waved away his apology with a polite smile.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and saw Komya-san who appeared to have fished for me in the crowd whipping her raven hair around as she gently took me away from my company and we meandered through the crowd towards the podium right in front of the entire crowd. Just before we were out of earshot with Matsuda and Mogi, I overheard a snippet of their conversation.

"...Wait, you're with Souichiro's little girl now? Oh Matsuda, he'd kill you if he were here. How did I not see this coming...?"

Matsuda's awkward laugh and scratching his head was the last I got of the two of them.

Komya-san spun me around. "I'll know you'll be great, you've been the most dedicated and passionate volunteer thus far and we couldn't have made any of the progress without you" she said stifling a cry. I hugged her in the moment.

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen and fellow family of the Never Again Campaign tonight is a celebration of our success so far with more to come. Thank you for your continued patronage. And now I present to you the creative brains behind our vigorous web campaign to say a few words," said Komya-san introducing me.

I stepped up to the podium and the crowd fell silent. It was now or never, my fears were taking over and I had to do it before they overwhelmed me. I took a long, deep breath and closed my eyes for three seconds. I had to start strong.

"My name is Sayu Yagami and the serial killer Light Yagami, known as Kira was my brother."

I waited for the cried and echoes of shock even condemnation and hatred to come crashing into me but nothing came. My voice booming over the microphone mounted on the podium was replaced by a stiff silence. From the corner of my eye I could see Komya-san's mouth hung open at the shock. I had to push on now that the ball had been dropped.

Finally at that time, when my instincts were telling me to run the hell away, I finally found and caught the eyes of only one person. His dark eyes were shining in the well lit room and even from a distance; I could feel his goofy and proud smile awaken my confidence. The love that I felt for him as my protector and comforter pulsated through me.

Suddenly the speech was like taking a walk in a quiet park. I felt like I was alone with him and something was taking over me. I had a strong conviction but it didn't matter anymore when I said my words to Matsuda alone in a hall full of judgemental people. With my sincerity never wavering, I only looked at him and nothing else mattered. It was the only way to explain the nerves disappearing and me smiling through it.

"I understand the feelings, emotions and of hatred, fear, or bitterness that you might feel towards me for bearing the accursed last name, but no one feels these emotions more than I do. Being the younger sister of Light Yagami, and seeing first hand of the pain he has caused to many people, I alone have to bear and answer to the horror we experienced even when I had no idea what was taking place right under my nose...

"...There are some of those misconstrued individuals in our society who believe that his actions were of a righteous kind. Let me tell you the truth as his little sister as I've known him my whole life. My brother Light known to you all as Kira was not a god or a lord. My brother Light or Kira was not possessed by demons, gods or any other divine being or entity that has been used to validate his position and authority to preside over what is good and evil. He was just a smart kid, my big brother who went looking for justice in all the wrong ways and as he's not here to express this, I come with deep compunction to say, I'm sorry to everyone who has either directly or indirectly been affected by the Kira mass murders."

"...I myself have had to go on my own path towards understanding, where fierce denialism gave way to the veil being lifted and the galvanising of a movement. I speak on behalf of the never Again Campaign to call for corrective dialogue and a change in discourse and rhetoric. We are not pro-Kira or anti-Kira divided by our beliefs. We acknowledge all our beliefs. We are one people, we are one nation, we are Japan." I finished.

I walked away quietly before a loud chorus of claps and cheers followed me but I could think of only one thing, getting back into the arms of my lover. It was time to bury the past in the past. It had occupied a whole two years of my life but now I had to carry on. It was made easier this time to move on because I had someone to help me carry the burden.

Making a beeline towards him, he watched me approaching him and he met me half way. The room's applause was slowing down. I could see my reflection dancing in his eyes when he enclosed himself around me; my feet lifted a little off the ground as our hot burning cheeks touched.

Next thing I know, I was flying. Matsuda hoisted me onto his shoulders and ran towards a big kiddie swing on a playground. I was screaming like an eight year old and laughing from ear to ear. So carefree like a child, like Matsuda had been in the face of danger and uncertainty. He spun me around while whispering in my ear.

"You are the most amazing most beautiful woman in the world."

* * *

Within weeks a memorial for the people slain by Kira was erected on a charcoal grey stone wall near the World War II museum and each name individually carved in both Kanji and Romanised spelling.

I also witnessed my speech on the news and the giant screen in Tokyo square being echoed all around me; it was a little embarrassing as I hadn't gotten accustomed to hearing my voice everywhere. I felt like it was time; everything was finally starting to fall into place.

This couldn't've been more apparent when I viewed the memorial wall fir the first time and recognised someone standing by; it was Yuko standing by the wall and taking a picture of her sister's name. She turned to look back at me and I stood frozen, not knowing what she would do to me. She gave me a good hard stare and shockingly, what appeared to be a small smile surfaced on her face before she walked away. I was so taken aback but appreciated it; it cemented the feelings of joy in me, it wasn't forgiveness but it did mean we could both move on.

"Hey what's with that beautiful smile all of a sudden?" asked Matsuda when he came out of a shop with doughnuts in hand.

"Nothing, I was just thinking...there's still something that I want to do now that my court ordered community service hours are nearly finished and before I repeat my junior year of college. I want to visit his grave; Light's grave. My family and I were able to give him a private funeral here but he was buried overseas for the protection of his grave and prevention of vandalism and exhumation by his overly devoted supporters." I said.

"I was hoping you'd say that. When we visit your brothers grave, there's someone else's grave we should also visit. An exceptional someone who was instrumental of the whole Kira massacre was buried near him and I would like you to see his grave too."

"So what are you saying?" I asked playfully lifting my eyebrow at him.

"I'm saying, lovely Sayu, once your hours are completed, we're going to Manchester, England" said Matsuda.


	7. Chapter 7: Manchester

_Dr A Murakami__: (Click, tape recording, Patient: Sayu. Day 40. Final day before assessment, evaluation and results) What do you want the world to know about Light Yagami?_

_Sayu Yagami__: Underneath the confusion, there's a young man who proved how easy it is to make misconstrued mistakes. There was a young man who doesn't deserve your sympathy but he cared so much about the lack of good in this world that he was willing to kill for it. It will never justify what he did of course. He was disillusioned by all the evil in this world. So let him be a lesson to us all, just as Light tried to do something about the evil in this world so we must do the same but instead of playing God, play human beings seeking justice. _

**Chapter 7: Manchester**

I opened the front door of the house I shared with my mother in Yokohama with Matsuda standing nervously behind me. I could hear from shuffling behind the door that my mother was home, much to Matsuda's uneasiness. I instructed Matsuda to stay outside until I called him.

"Mom, you're home early," I said walking in the house.

"Yeah, the company closed early today for maintenance which is great for this receptionist...wait, Sayu, your hair, it's Yagami brown again." she said stroking it affectionately.

I looked at her tired burdened eyes and felt the same guilt as when I visited the families of Kira's victims.

"Mom, I just want to say to you that I'm so sorry for the bratty nastiness and the way I've treated you, I somehow blamed you for everything and for not protecting me but you were just doing your best, and that wasn't fair."

"It's okay Sayu, but where is this sentiment coming from?"

"I have something or someone rather, that I want to reintroduce you to." I said gesturing for him to come inside.

Matsuda walked in and gave a sheepish smile. "Erm, Gooday Mrs Yagami. Long-time no see" he said giving an unnecessarily low bow.

"My goodness, Matsuda-san?" she breathed touching her cheek and shaking her head as she approached him, "It _has_ been a long time, you look older and more mature now and far less groomed." she said also touching his scraggly hair. "If only Souichiro could see you now, he'd probably laugh. You know, you were always his favourite. Are you still working at the Police department?"

"Something like that-

"-Mom, I didn't bring him here for old times' sake," I interrupted taking Matsuda's hand in mine. "I, no, we came to tell you about us. We're together."

My mother's eyes dropped to our hands interlocking each other's with a frozen smile still on her face. It took a long pause for her to react by tilting her head to the side.

"Excuse me?" she said head aslant, "Together, since when? No, no, no, this can't be. Sayu, how could you date a policeman? Do you know how dangerous it is? Not to mention he's a lot older than you, and he's your father's colleague. Doesn't that make it inappropriate and perverted somehow?" she said unafraid of saying it out loud to both of us.

"Mom, you dated a cop, and married him and had his children remember?" I said.

"That's different. Your father and I dated before he joined the police force. We were still in college...and didn't Souichiro and I already express our deepest disapproval of you dating a policeman!" she said.

I let out a sigh and Matsuda stood by my side, stiff and awkward. "Mom, I don't even know what to say to convince you..." I said feeling the awkward tension rising.

"Well, it's difficult to take this in, I mean dating a cop could lead to heartbreak because you're always risking your life Touta. I just don't want Sayu to experience what I did when my husband passed."

"I understand your concerns, Mrs Yagami but I feel that because I worked with her father, I feel more compelled to protect her and her needs before my own, the way Souichiro would have. Mrs Yagami, we were all left in a terrible state after what happened but now that we've found love again, she has helped me to heal myself." he said sincerely and sounding mature.

I placed my head on his chest feeling touched; I'd never heard him say that before.

"Mama, he makes me happy and despite his dishevelled skinny appearance, he's fantastic in bed." I blurted out.

Matsuda's mouth dropped to his chin and his face turned blood red in embarrassment as he was rendered speechless. My mother just closed her eyes and grimaced. I laughed an evil satisfied laugh inside; nothing like inappropriate and awkward embarrassment to break the ice even further.

"Hey, don't say anything to me that you wouldn't in front of your dad Sayu!" she snapped in full mother mode but calmed down immediately. "You know what, I can't stop you, but please Matsuda take care of her, she's the most precious thing to me, the only living memory I have of our family and what it used to be."

I wrapped my arms around Matsuda who did the same to me, after my mom joined the hugging circle.

The same day when Matsuda took me to the police station, a proud looking and beaming Fujiwara-san, the officer who I'd originally seen when ordered my mandatory hours, told me of how proud he was of me and had other good news for me.

"Your judge decided to let you off before officially finishing your hours for good behaviour. But there's still one thing that you haven't accomplished." he said tying away at his computer.

"What could that be?" I asked racking my brains to notice what I could've possibly missed out on.

"You need to find yourself a counsellor. There's no date on that order, you can take as long as you want but it has to be done eventually."

* * *

The next week, Matsuda and I finally began preparing for our first trip overseas to England. He'd told me of a house where my brother's grave had been taken, and to show me the origins of someone important on the Kira investigation team.

Upon arriving at Heathrow airport, we used a shuttle service all the way to New Hampshire in North-western England and and checked in at a B&amp;B, in the large, thriving, bustling city of Manchester.

After resting for the night, the following day, a light rain began to sprinkle over our umbrella when we stopped at a beautiful ornate gate spanning the perimeter of a large traditional English mansion. The gold plate on the gate read:

'Wammy's House'

"Here we are" said Matsuda double checking the address he'd been given by the Japanese Police and holding my hand firmer after pressing the buzzer on the intercom.

We met an elderly man who introduced himself as Sir Roger, who expressed his delight of our arrival on that date because he was weeks away from officially retiring and relinquishing his duties to someone else to run the orphanage handed to him after its previous owner and founder had died. He ushered us into the living room for tea.

"I wish Near was still living here for you two to see him but he works full time at an international security agency now." said the man called Roger.

"Right as expected, but if you get in touch, may you tell of our deepest thanks? In the end, we couldn't've solved the Kira case without 'N'" said Matsuda.

"Absolutely. Well I'm sure you're eager to see our private cemetery, you may go out back." said Roger walking us out into the garden.

"'N', I've heard that name before; Light mentioned it after my dad's funeral." I said to Matsuda as we walked out.

"Yeah, we were lucky to have had someone as smart and cunning as 'N' after we'd lost our best player in the investigation. It's the reason I wanted to bring you here, to show you who our best asset was in the whole investigation, we are internally indebted to him." said Matsuda.

The outside of the main house was a secluded quiet area of the quaint Old World garden extending into a gated off area. From where we were standing, I could already see tombstones nestled quietly in the overgrown grass.

Matsuda unhooked the hook of the rain pattered black spiked gate and swung it open with a creak. Our eyes darted around looking for familiar names and we stuck together under our umbrella, our rainboots crunching the ground in unison. We'd reached the far end of the mini cemetery, the last row of tombs when Matsuda tightened his grip on my hand.

"Sayu, here it is." he whispered.

Matsuda knelt down and I followed suit while he brushed away the overgrown grass and clapped his hands in prayer. I waited for him to finish then laid down a wreath of flowers below.

"Who was he?" I asked.

"We never found out his real name."

I stared at Matsuda in his pensive state then back at the grave.

"'L' or 'Ryuuzaki'. That's what we called him. He was the world's finest and most exceptional detective but we lost him to Kira." said Matsuda quietly.

Afterwards it was my turn, my eyes peered to a grave right beside it that made my heart jump and ache.

"Oh my goodness _Matsuda," _I cried softly placing my cold hands over my mouth. "It's him."

The grave to our right had a Japanese flag engraved on it and the name of my beloved brother written in Kanji. I brushed over the roughness of the stone.

"I can't believe it; I knew he was buried in this cemetery but they're buried _right next to each other_. L and Light. I wonder if this was purposeful or coincidence like some act of divine providence." he said to me but I was barely listening, somewhere underneath the stone I brushed with my fingers lay the remains of my beloved brother, Light Yagami.

I couldn't help but pick up a stone from the ground and used it to carve my own name on the side of the stone before placing and lighting some candles I'd bought from a local market earlier, by his grave and made the umbrella cover them from the rain.

"What are you doing? You're desecrating the grave." he said.

"I don't care, don't you get it, and I don't care what he did. We are the same; the very blood that ran through his veins runs through mine. We are the same. And I don't hate him. I want to hate him so much and I want to be angry for what he did and angry that he's not here to face me. But I can't...I miss him so much."

"You've been through all of this, finding out what happened, and going through the same disillusionment that you haven't given yourself time to mourn him as your brother and not hate him as Kira. If your brother were still alive, what would you say to him?" Matsuda whispered in my ear.

"I would say: Light, you're an idiot for believing what you did, you're too smart for your own good, everyone hates you but you're still my brother and I love you to no end."

Once again it was my turn to clap my hands in prayer for a good two minutes, while Matsuda placed a firm hand on my shoulder and kissed my forehead. When I was done, I placed another wreath down at his grave and blew out all the candles. I knew that the calmness and the romance of the light rain would gladly take care of the two men who had impacted the world in their own ways; finally Light, the man called Ryuuzaki, Matsuda and _I especially_ could be at peace in quiet and easy rest.

Matsuda and I both stood up and took in the two graves, then when Matsuda looked at me and me at him in smile, he enclosed his hands around mine and lifted the umbrella over our shoulders once more, and we walked away together with a feeling of peace and having a sense of heaviness lifted, hand in hand, in the rain, never looking back ever again.

* * *

Three years later when I'd finished university and Matsuda and I were intended and had gone back to live in Manchester, living near my foreign friend Meghan who helped us settle in and to volunteer at the orphanage for gifted children called Wammy's House on weekends only, as I was an attorney during the week seeking out true justice and Matsuda working as an officer for the Japanese consulate, before we could go for marriage counselling, an outstanding court order was still in place.

I was to see a counsellor; luckily we found another Japanese national living in England who was prepared to take us. Her name was Dr. Asahi Murakami. This amazingly talented woman from Okayama, Japan fundamentally helped me make sure that any psychologically open wounds left over, were finally sealed and my previously toxic mental state was expunged once and for all and my stability was ensured.

And lastly as for me and my future... who would've ever thought Matsuda would be the man. The man who had made me a better woman to myself. A better woman to my future, our future and I'd made him a better man.

Who would've known that both of us who survived from the atrocious Kira saga would end up together and going stronger as the years went by, as Mr and Mrs, and eventually parents of two of our own boys living in Manchester for three more years before heading back to permanently settle in Nara, Japan with my mother and our children?

I didn't, but I'm glad that I didn't. Everything I have gone through up to this point had been necessary; even when I had once found myself on the dusty white couches in downtown Tokyo searching for myself and my existence, I don't regret a thing. Everything now was better than I could've predicted, all of it was needed for the happiness I finally found, to help me pass through the other side of the tortured suffocating tunnel from darkness to light...

Love Mrs. Sayu, M

* * *

The end

Thanks for all the comments. Until next time...


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